There is Life after Divorce. - Extract from a blog I found I thought I would share

There is Life after Divorce. It’s a different life but it is life. You have two options become bitter and twisted and bore your family and friends, or take the greatest revenge of all – get happy, get out there and get a life. Its what I’m doing, its what thousands of men & women have done and its what you must do if you want to move forward to the next big romance in your life. Is your heart hurting? Of course it is. But to heal your heart you need to free yourself of thoughts that stop you moving forward and think fabulous thoughts that fast forward you to future that’s bright. Tall order, yes, but the alternative is really not attractive. I’m trying tried and tested tips to share with you to help you get over it and get on with your life.

Who are you now?

You may have been together for many years and got your identity tied up with this person. It’s now time to rediscover who you are at this point in your life. What do you want from your life going into the future? What do you want to achieve? What kind of life do you want to live? How do you want to bring up your children? What new choices do you want to make. You may have lost of a sense of your true self, but you are still there. Now’s the time to find out about you and what you want and plan a life that works for you and your family.

Bringing up the Kids

It may well be that you have to work and bring up your kids without much support. Make life as easy as possible for yourself. Get the kids (if they are old enough) to take on responsibilities explaining how much it will help you and them too if everyone pulls together. Offer massive praise for jobs well done and give loads of love even when you are dog-tired. It pays huge dividends in their behaviour, their schoolwork and their adjustment to their new lives. Don’t bad mouth your ex! It’s so hard not too, but ask yourself “for whose benefit am I saying these things”? I think you’ll find its just so you can vent your frustrations. Do your kids really benefit from hearing it though? Be vigilant and if you can’t say anything redeeming say nothing at all.

Taking Care of you

Make sure you take good care of you – you are all you have right now. Good food, exercise, fresh air and sleep is more important than ever. Do what it takes to arrange times for yourself. Pull in favours. Help others when you can and store up your own favours for when you need them. Never say no to offers of support – you need all you can get. However don’t spill yourself all over others. Keep your counsel and your pride. This is your business not a dinner party conversation or after school gossip for others who have nothing better to do.

Above all, never give up on Love. You have loads left to give, and there is definitely that special some one out there just ready to appear when the time is right. Have some fun, have some patience and do whatever you can to enjoy yourself. Take a holiday with the kids even if it’s in a caravan. This is just a phase in your life that will pass and your hurt will heal. Hold on to you and your family and you’ll get through it together.

What a weekend

My Little one has chicken pox and as such is covered head to toe with spots. But the greatest of all is that he stayed so jovial.

I have been abit anxuious as I finally haee a court date for the rule 43 and had to remind myself to enjoy the time with my kids and what a time we had. Given I only see them for 3 hours a day, I am proud of the fact that I could spend time with them together, and 1 to 1 which was really great.

I really got the opportunity to bond with the 4 year old for the first time in a while and he revealed to me how he misses me and also said that "mommy cries alot" That statement on its own was abit of a shocker as she traditionally does not show emotion.

I am tempted to feel sorry for her but also realise that this is the bed that she made and as such, has to lie in it. When her infedelities came to light, I tried making it work between us and she chose to continue on her path as it was.

I am sadened by the heartache we are both suffering but right now I have to do what I feel is best for my children. I am closing the chapter of my life called my marriage to the STBX and starting on a new journey. I need to do what is best for me, and ultimately what is best for me will be best for my children.

It is not easy to not have them around over this period, but I also have to remember that my "family" life is not going to be "normal" ever again, even if someone new comes into my life. K will always be there and I have to learn how to deal with that.

I can honestly say that I have forgiven her for the transgressions, I do not condone it, but I have forgiven her. I sincerley hope that she finds whatever it is she is looking for and needs.

Everyone at some point will suffer a loss ~ the loss of loved ones, good health, a job. It's your desert experience - a time of feeling barren of options, even hope. The important thing is not to allow yourself to be stranded in the desert. - Patrick Del Zoppo, psychologist

I am reminded...

So, we are coming to the end of the year…

Loads of holidays coming up, festivities and so one and traditionally a time spent with family. I am saddened that I am in the situation I am in, but also realise that I cannot change it.

I am also extremely frustrated by the fact that not much is going to be happening about the divorce until at least the end of January 2009. These frustrations make it extremely easy to slip into a depressed state. On Friday, I saw T again, and again, I am so blessed to have both T & Z in my life as support. Divorce is an extremely stressful and emotional time and again, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of have a really good support structure in place for yourself.

I am learning that divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere in our ability to function in our every day lives. The biggest favour you can do yourself is to learn how to relax, let go of the stress and just let the "chips fall." Focus more on keeping yourself active, healthy and moving forward instead of staying stuck.

What has been working for me is:
• Pay attention to your emotional needs
• Keep yourself physically fit. Stay as active as possible by keeping a regular exercise routine. Nothing helps our emotions bounce back better than physical activity. It will help in relieving tense, anger and anxiety.
• Nurture you emotionally and physically. Read a good book, get plenty of rest, take a hot bath, develop a new hobby, eat healthy and nutritious foods, and surround yourself with positive people. Put effort into living a lifestyle that will promote feelings of good self-worth.
• Let go of problems that are beyond your control. If you are faced with an uncomfortable or painful situation learn to let it go, take some time to figure out what is best for you and then come back to it. Stay focused on what you have control over and let go of the rest.
• Give yourself permission to feel. Emotions are normal, whether they are negative or positive emotions. What we do with the emotions we are feeling plays a big role in the quality of life we experience. Avoid destructive activities such as drinking or drugs when trying to deal with your feelings. Don't allow your feelings to cause you to seek revenge, play the victim or become abusive. If you are hurt or angry, it is best to find someone safe to vent to and get those feelings out.
• Don't make any hasty decisions. When you are living through a highly stressful situation any decisions or changes to your life should not be made until you have thought of all the consequences. Take time to think things through and thoroughly weigh all your options.
• Be sure to make time for fun. Remember to laugh and play. Maintain a close circle of friends and socialize often. Do not isolate yourself from others.
• Let go and move on. Take the time needed to heal from the divorce and those feelings of loss. Try to look inward and own your responsibility in the problems that led to divorce. Forgive yourself and your spouse and don’t let the issues from this marriage follow you into new relationships.

Yeah, instinctively it is easier said than done and I promise that these steps can become a religion to you, but the wheels will still fall off every once in a while, guess why? WE ARE HUMAN AFTER ALL! Hey, with all of my positive thinking I have my bad days too… that is why it is important to pay attention to your emotion…

When you don't feel like doing what you know you must, that's the best time to go ahead and do it anyway. That's when you can break through your old habitual patterns to a new level of focus, performance and achievement.
That first step will require you to go against your natural tendency to put it off until later and to stay comfortably where you are. So how do you get beyond that?
Many times you have successfully avoided action by telling yourself why you can't or why you won't. Now, choose to use that same power to tell yourself why you can and why you will. You control the awesome power of your thoughts. And with your thoughts you can successfully visualize yourself into action every time.

The Last week in a nutshell

Last week was an extreme low for me. I missed my children so much, been crying myself to sleep, and missing putting them to bed, bathing them, all that sort of thing.

Found that I could not sleep much, would dream of them calling for me and I’d wake up and poof, no sleep for the rest of the night.

The Soon To Be X (STBX) has also had a really shitty attitude. Her arrogance has become disgusting. Friday when I called to speak to my boys; keep in mind she stipulated when I could call, she was out with them and refused to tell me (she always needs to know where I’m going and wants to drop on a bunch of rules); all I could here was this barking puppy in the background. Do you think I can compete to a 4 & 2 year olds attention over the telephone with a puppy in the background…. HELL NO!!!!

I tried speaking to her asking when I could call to have their undivided attention and I got a I can’t hear you… so I speak up, I get you obviously upset, call me when you feeling better…. Uuuurrrgggghhhh she could here me just fine….

I also got a letter stating that she would take legal action if I do not stop speaking to our eldest about the divorce…. Here is the thing,

When we went to an Imaam to initiate the divorce proceedings according to Islamic Law, she brought the kids with her… don’t ask me why… when we left their our eldest left with me. He asked what that was about and I explained to him. He asked me about Mr X, Mr Y, Mr Z and I told him. I have always told her that I will not lie to the children to cover up for her. Our eldest son is 13 years old… he is not a dummy… he also has a right to know. Hey, I was one of those kids who blamed myself for my parents divorce… I’m not gonna have him grow up thinking that.

Anyways, a whole lot of negative energies last week had me in a real downer… I took some time out… reflecting gets easier the more you do it…. And looked at what was in my control vs. out of my control. I started dealing with things in my control and immediately started feeling better. The weekend with my kids was awesome. I really enjoyed them and by there laughter so did they.

I also realised that I was giving her power every time I let her little games get to me and I just told myself NO MORE!!!! I am taking back my power!!!!

Things have been good since Friday evening. I am focused again, enjoyed the kids and the negative vibes of this week, have just been vibes… they not getting the better of me.

It is not always easy staying positive and focused, we are human and as I have said before, we have these things called emotions. Some days are good, others bad… what will make us great, is how we deal with those bad days.

Be strong, deal with those in your control… get alternative solutions for those out of your control… the rest becomes easy

I'm in a downer again today :-(

I miss my kids so much and I am angry about the fact that the X is so cruel by limiting my access tomy children the way she does.

I'm not informed about Dr's visits, I see my kids for 3 hours a day twice a week. Her arrogance about the whole situation is sickening. Sometimes I wonder if it is arrogance or just a lack of understanding the impact her actions have.

She is dragging this divorce out, it is something she wanted, and now it seems as though she doesn't. One day she is nice to me, the next a total bitch!!!!!uuuuurrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

The last couple of days have been extremely difficult emotionally. I miss my kids, I love them so much, I miss being there to hold them when they wake up because of a nightmare. I miss picking them up off the floor in the middle of the night because they fell out of bed... bathing them, cleaning up the vomit after they have been ill...

I'm starting to feel the anger build up, and I am considering retaliation. No, not thinking of becoming violent... but she wants to play nasty, do I stoop to that level...

There is so much I can play nasty on, but it is not really in my nature...

All I want for XMAS is this whole circus to be finished and have my kids with me.

Staying positive is so much hard work and yeah I guess, the fruits of a struggle is ultimate joy... dammit, this struggle is going on for more than a year now...

OK, so, what can I do.... how do I stay focussed.... guess Dory (Finding Nemo) said it best... "Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming"

Life as a single dad

I came across this article and thought I would share it with you...

Life as a single dad
Growing numbers of men are rearing their children alone.

By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

Garrett Allen never expected to be a single father. But four years ago, when his wife died, leaving him with an 18-month-old son, he joined the ranks of millions of American men who are parenting solo, by choice or circumstance.
These fathers - who are rearing 3.3 million children - often feel alone, and as a group they are largely invisible. But as their numbers grow, they are beginning to change the social landscape and are learning many of the same lessons that single mothers learn.
"I had no clue as to how to raise a child," recalls Mr. Allen, a public relations executive in Ardmore, Pa. "My wife was a stay-at-home mom. As a guy, I was more focused on going to work to support us. Having to run everything - working, taking care of a child, doing the cleaning and laundry, and preparing the meals - was hard."
Men now account for 1 of every 6 single parents, up from 1 in 10 in 1970. The growing ranks of custodial fathers also re- flect changing attitudes in courts. Judges who once routinely assumed that the mother was the better parent are more willing to consider fathers.
"In the old days, it used to be that women had to be significantly incapacitated to turn over custody to their husbands," says Geoffrey Greif, associate dean of the University of Maryland School of Social Work, who, like others in this story, was interviewed by telephone.
But in recent years, society has placed less emphasis on the idea that women are defined by motherhood. This changing attitude has given women the flexibility to make more nontraditional choices.
"In the last 15 years," says Dr. Greif, "women who are highly competent sometimes [have agreed] that it is in the best interest of the child to have the child live with the father."
In other cases, a father may win custody if the mother has a drug or alcohol problem.
Whatever the reason for their full-time parental role - widowhood, divorce, or unwed parenthood - single fathers face subtle public attitudes. "They must deal with the stereotype that the true connection is between mothers and their children," says Elise Edelson Katch, a Denver therapist who conducts custody evaluations.
And where, she asks, does a single father find role models? "Can he pick up the telephone and call a friend to ask about bottle feeding or toilet training? This is something women do automatically."
Like single mothers, single fathers confront the challenge of balancing work and family responsibilities. But the professional world, Ms. Katch observes, can sometimes be harder on men who spend more time with their children than it is on women.
For Allen, whose son, Britton, was only a toddler when Allen's wife died, the initial solution was to move in with his mother. She shares in Britton's care and has helped Allen hone domestic skills.
At work, Allen's boss has allowed him to adjust his hours modestly so he can pick up Britton at day care by 6 p.m. The company also gave him a laptop so he can work at home if school is closed or his son is sick.
While some of his friends are supportive, others barely register that he has responsibilities at home - such as keeping up with laundry and cleaning on weekday evenings so he and his son can go to the zoo or toss a baseball on Saturdays.
Now that Britton is 5, Allen is house-hunting, eager to establish a home for the two of them.
"It's going to be a tremendous amount of additional work," he says. With his mother no longer part of the household, "there won't be an extra pair of hands. But I think it'll be a positive experience, where I'm not looking to someone else to help provide what we need."

MAINTAINING NORMALCY

Another widower rearing children alone is Rob White of Bethel Park, Pa. A year ago next week, his wife of 17 years, Jeannie, died after a brief illness. Now he and their 15-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter are forging a new life together.
From the beginning, Mr. White's concern has been to maintain as normal a schedule as possible for the children, so they can continue with football, cheerleading, and dance lessons. He is changing jobs to be closer to home and to shorten the 12-hour workdays he often logs as a sales representative for Acura.
"You do what you have to do," White says simply. Describing other victories, he adds, "I made all the parent-teacher conferences and the [school] open house."
One subject on White's mind these days is discipline. Since his wife's death, he has been lenient with the children. Now he is trying to give them more responsibility and structure by tightening rules somewhat.
Last week, the Whites welcomed a black-and-white husky into the family. The children are naming him Skynyrd after the rock group Lynyrd Skynyrd.
As White reflects on the challenges and changes of the past year, he says quietly, "I try to be close to the children. I want to be there for them for everything. I have a lot more respect for what my wife did. It's hard."
In some cases of divorce, custody may start out in a traditional way, with children living with their mother. Then, over time, those arrangements may evolve as family dynamics and needs change. As children get older, some decide they want to spend more time with their father. Or the mother may be making a career change and think the children will be better off with their dad, says Greif, author of "The Daddy Track: The Single Father."
In other situations, court- approved custody changes might occur when a father or a mother forms a new relationship and children feel more comfortable living with the other parent. "The father may be involved with someone who is nice, or the mother may be involved with someone the children don't like," Greif says. A custody decision can even be school-based: The father might live in a better school district.
When Neil Judell of Newtonville, Mass., and his wife divorced last August, the court awarded him custody of their children. Their older son lives on his own, while their 17-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter live with him.
Before the divorce, he owned a small engineering company. Realizing that as a custodial father he would no longer be able to make business trips abroad one week a month, Mr. Judell gave up his company and took a position with an engineering firm at a much lower salary. He also pays alimony. Because of the cost of maintaining two households, he and the children now occupy a rented duplex about one-third the size of the house they formerly owned.
During his daughter's soccer season, Judell takes a fair amount of good-natured teasing from some friends about being a "soccer mom" and driving a minivan. At the same time, others are quick to acknowledge the role he is playing.
Ask Judell what he needs and he replies, "There's very little I could want for." Then, reflecting for a moment, he adds, "It would be nice to have a helping hand with the kids once in a while; [someone] to take them for a weekend. And it would be nice if I had someone to back up my messages to my teenage son."
For Calvin Gladden, the father of a 13-year-old son, Kyle, and a 15-year-old daughter, Aleesha, other needs loomed large when he became a single parent 11 years ago after his marriage ended in divorce. His children were just 2 and 4 when he was granted custody.
Mr. Gladden, of Randallstown, Md., remembers the strain of racing out of work at 5 p.m. at his previous job and "driving like a madman" to pick them up at their separate day-care centers by 6 to avoid fines for being late. He later changed jobs to be closer to home. He now works as director of business at Goucher College in Baltimore.
Because Gladden grew up in a single-parent family, he was determined not to repeat the pattern of his absent father. "I didn't want to be a parent like my father. I wanted to be a parent like my mother, to be supportive of my kids."
As a result, he says, "I do everything in my power to try to provide them with the best home possible. Sometimes these days, children don't really appreciate that. But you hope that as they mature, despite all the challenges, they will say that the discipline I've imparted was in their best interest."
He is pleased that his children are well adjusted and doing fairly well in school.
Still, Gladden emphasizes that solo child-rearing is not easy. "You have this vision of a two-parent household. When it doesn't happen, it's crushing. But you have a choice, either to lie down or get back up."
While some solo fathers, such as Judell, worry about teenagers who test limits, others wonder how to talk to preadolescent daughters about approaching puberty. But as they strive to make the best of a sometimes difficult situation, many are finding rewards.
"Getting divorced wasn't good for me, and it's not good for children ever," says Jay Portnow, a physician in Norwell, Mass., and the custodial father of two sons. "But having the boys with me has been a blessing."

NEEDED: HELPING HANDS

What eases the load for these men?
Like single mothers, they long for outside help. Gladden echoes the comments of other custodial fathers when he says, "It took a lot of support from my family, my friends, and my neighbors to help me. I certainly didn't do it all on my own."
Having an understanding employer also could make a difference. Michael Weller of Bettsville, Ohio, recently decided not to re-enlist in the Marine Corps, where he was a corporal, because his military schedule was too difficult for him with a 2-year-old son to care for alone after his divorce.
"If people understood better, that would be a really big help," he says. "You walk into the Marine Corps, or any organization, and try to explain to them, 'I have to be out of here at this time,' or 'I can't work on the weekend.' They look at you like you asked for a million dollars. It doesn't happen."
Schools, too, sometimes lack sensitivity. Only after repeated calls to the principal did Dr. Portnow convince his children's junior high school teachers to send notes to both parents, not just to his ex-wife.
Even something as basic as learning culinary skills can improve family life.
At the time of his divorce, Portnow did not know how to cook. After taking several classes, he went from serving hot dogs and hamburgers every night to making home-cooked dinners. Now cooking is one of his favorite pastimes.
The biggest hurdle may be the most invisible - cultural bias. However logical a father's reason for wanting custody, Greif says, "There's still the perception that there is something wrong with a mother if she is not raising her children, and something extraordinary about a father who does."
But as more fathers gain custody and rear children successfully, he adds, "the less the role will have to be worn as a mantle."

Frustrations building up again today…

So last week when I called to speak to my boys, my 4 year old says he went to the Dr. When I asked the X about this, she denied it and said she was the one that went to the Dr. Over the weekend when putting the little ones into her car, I saw an invoice for this Dr. I did some detective work and it turns out that yes she saw the Dr, but so to were the kids.

Further investigating revealed that my eldest has been seeing a Psychologist again. Now I do not have a problem with him seeing the Psychologist or any Dr, I do have a problem with the fact that she is keeping such information from me. I have a right to know

In terms of interim maintenance, more than half of my salary goes to them and her claim to this is that I am their father and it is my responsibility. My responsibility when it suites her?????

Why does she need to lie to me? It seems more and more that she has a phobia of the truth and gives me even more reason not to trust her. I realise that no matter what happened between us, we are apart of each others lives for as long as those boys are arond and as such, need to have some sort of civil relationship, however, what she says cannot be trusted…

I guess all I can do for now is communicate with her via the lawyers, keep record of all responses. I also guess that each time she pulls a stunt as she has re-enforces the reasons why we were not meant to be.

I don’t regret out marriage, if it were not for that, I would not have these three beautiful boys… so for that I will still thank her, but trust her, never ever again.

IF you reading this X, save yourself, me and the boys a whole lot of heartache. Be truthful to yourself when answering this question... If our roles were reversed adn I did the things you have done and currently doing, would you be comfortable having me raise our children? Will you be comfortable with me being their role model? Would you feel that our children is safe with me?...

“With lies you may go ahead in the world - but you can never go back”


"Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them."
(Brock Clarke, An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England, 2007)