Often I get the excuse about getting extra time with the kids as I do not want to disrupt their routine... however, when the boys routine is disruptive to her, it makes no difference.
Tried calling the boys tonight and their is no answer... eventually I tried calling her mobile and guess what, at 7 in the eve she is out shopping with the boys. on week night... disrupting their routine. She drops them off at my place in the middle of their afternoon nap time, they need to sleep, don't mess with their routine.
Yes, this may seem petty but as my previous entry stated, I see them for three hours... I not to disrupt routine... can't get extra time because of routine... thi spisses me off because often she chucks the very routine out the window because her needs are different.....
UUUUUUURRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, feel better now... for now, its not in my control....
Woman out their, no not saying it is all of you, and I guess it applies to men to... using kids to get to your previously significant other does more harm to the kids than the person you intending to hurt
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Almost Weekend - Yeah!!!!!!!!!!
Been counting down the days and almost time to see my kids again. I miss them so much and I guess that I am also feeling insecure in that I am not spending that much time with them as I would like. I only get to see them for 3 hours twice a week.
When my 4 year old son was 5 months old, I was involved in an accident, busted leg and both arms were broken. He and I had such a close bond I would never had thought it possible. However, with all sorts of contraptions coming out of my arms, I was not able to hold him for over three months.
It took a while to regain that bond, and now I see him so little, it really hurts. However, I have to look at dealing with the issues that are in my control and currently, I only see them the times that I do.
I've been worrying alot lately about things... the divorce is dragging out, the X and her legal team are virtually none responsive to our requests... my relationship with my kids, feels like we are drifting...going out of my mind here.
I have decided though that most of what I am worrying about is out of my control. Yes, I would love to be with my children more often, however right now circumstances do not allow. What is in my control is the times that they are with me... so come this weekend, when they are with me, nothing else will matter; the only purpose would be me and them.
I guess what I am getting at is, when times are difficult, focus on the things that are within your control... slowly but surely, everything else will start to make sense.
When my 4 year old son was 5 months old, I was involved in an accident, busted leg and both arms were broken. He and I had such a close bond I would never had thought it possible. However, with all sorts of contraptions coming out of my arms, I was not able to hold him for over three months.
It took a while to regain that bond, and now I see him so little, it really hurts. However, I have to look at dealing with the issues that are in my control and currently, I only see them the times that I do.
I've been worrying alot lately about things... the divorce is dragging out, the X and her legal team are virtually none responsive to our requests... my relationship with my kids, feels like we are drifting...going out of my mind here.
I have decided though that most of what I am worrying about is out of my control. Yes, I would love to be with my children more often, however right now circumstances do not allow. What is in my control is the times that they are with me... so come this weekend, when they are with me, nothing else will matter; the only purpose would be me and them.
I guess what I am getting at is, when times are difficult, focus on the things that are within your control... slowly but surely, everything else will start to make sense.
Found This Forum Posting
On one of the Divorce Forums I frequent... sounds like frequenting a club :-)... I came across this posting by one called Grant. Grant has given me the ok to use his posting on this blog, so kudos to you bud, thanks. Hope you find it as inspiring as I did. Enjoy it
Subject: I say...
Posted by: Grant
Message:
People sometimes ask me, why do bad things happen to good people?
Firstly it depends on WHY you consider bad things to be bad. Did you not know that if you overcome what you perceive as bad it will make you stronger?
Example, you walk across the street, a car hits you. Before you know it you are in the hospital. You survive and beyond all you are happy to be. So let me ask you next time you cross the road you will look veeeery carefully before crossing... right? Indeed, why? you have learned.
Such is ALL things in life. Ok pushing forward. You are sitting there thinking about ALL the reasons and it continues for days on end. Yet at that very moment if you where out and about you might have bumped into the person you always wanted.
People, life is not going to knock on your door, you have to go out and knock on the door of life.
Most people are confused about the word LIFE or the meaning thereof. Yet I will tell you the truth, life is what you make of it.
I say let the past take care of itself
I say do not worry, because it will keep you in fear
I say do not fear, for there is nothing to fear
I say you are unique, see that and be that.
I say love everyone, for you will find happiness
I say forgive, for there in lies grace
I say be compassionate, for in return you will find love
I say be at peace, for then you will find freedom
I say just BE, if you can do this you will KNOW that no one else is like you. CREATE whatever you want. You are a magnificent creator and you can design what you want. You are true architect of your life. Only you, no one else.
Subject: I say...
Posted by: Grant
Message:
People sometimes ask me, why do bad things happen to good people?
Firstly it depends on WHY you consider bad things to be bad. Did you not know that if you overcome what you perceive as bad it will make you stronger?
Example, you walk across the street, a car hits you. Before you know it you are in the hospital. You survive and beyond all you are happy to be. So let me ask you next time you cross the road you will look veeeery carefully before crossing... right? Indeed, why? you have learned.
Such is ALL things in life. Ok pushing forward. You are sitting there thinking about ALL the reasons and it continues for days on end. Yet at that very moment if you where out and about you might have bumped into the person you always wanted.
People, life is not going to knock on your door, you have to go out and knock on the door of life.
Most people are confused about the word LIFE or the meaning thereof. Yet I will tell you the truth, life is what you make of it.
I say let the past take care of itself
I say do not worry, because it will keep you in fear
I say do not fear, for there is nothing to fear
I say you are unique, see that and be that.
I say love everyone, for you will find happiness
I say forgive, for there in lies grace
I say be compassionate, for in return you will find love
I say be at peace, for then you will find freedom
I say just BE, if you can do this you will KNOW that no one else is like you. CREATE whatever you want. You are a magnificent creator and you can design what you want. You are true architect of your life. Only you, no one else.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Looks like she was right, Google is your friend :-)
I’ve been to an online forum and someone suggested I Google - McCall v McCall case.
I found some seriously useful bits of information in here as this particularly outlines what is the best interest of the children and has me feeling confident about my reasons for wanting custody.
As it was pointed out on this forum, the case cannot be based on her infidelities, but rather, and an always overriding, is it in the best interest of the children.
The links are listed below:
Friday Newsletter Issue 18*
File Format: Microsoft Word - View as HTML
In the case of AD and Another v DW and Others 4 the Court had to look at the best interest of a baby girl who was ... 1 McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (c) ...
www.childlawsa.com/docs/lab/issue%2019%20best%20interests.doc - Similar pages
The Centre for Child Law
Townsend-Turner and Another v Morrow 2004 (2) SA 32 (C) View ... McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (C) – also see best interest View; B v M 2006 (9) BCLR 1034 ...
www.childlawsa.com/family.html - 28k - Cached - Similar pages
More results from www.childlawsa.com »
Below I have also copied an article I found also rather informative. It discusses challenges/ prejudices fathers face in wanting to be more involved in the children’s lives. It does look like the road ahead is going to be long, hard and challenging. It is therefore important to keep the ultimate goal in mind… I am doing this for my children’s wellbeing. Often, when things become difficult, it is easy to end up questioning yourself, your motives, your abilities… for this reason, I am grateful for my support structures… Thank you all …
No 27
Child, Youth, Family and Social Development
Human Sciences Research Council
November 2006
The Fatherhood Project
NEWSLETTER
HSRC
Father's rights of access to
children
Although it has been documented that some fathers are
absent in the lives of their children as a result of
abandonment, there are still some fathers out there who
really want to be with their children and care for them.
However, a number of them have been alienated from
their children not out of their own choice, but as a
result of painful custody battles in a judicial system
that seems to favour the mother of the children.
In this issue we look at the struggles of fathers who
want to be with their children and discuss tips for
fathers seeking physical custody of their children.
Fathers don’t stand a chance:
experiences of custody, access
and maintenance by Grace Khunou
‘Fathers are not interested in their children especially
when they do not marry their mothers.’ This is the kind
of statement one hears in the corridors of the
maintenance courts, in taxis and in general
conversation between men and women in the streets of
Johannesburg.
It may come as a surprise, but many fathers – divorced,
unmarried, and single – love their children and want to
spend as much time as possible with them.
Unfortunately, courts and law enforcers often overlook
this and treat fathers simply as providers of financial
support and discipline.
A particular conception of father – as a provider – has
influenced the direction of social policy on families.
Ideas about fatherhood have changed in the last 30
years and, particularly in the developed world, the
engagement of fathers with young children has been
encouraged. Fathers in many parts of the world are no
longer seen only as providers. The affective side of
fathering has become much more important, especially
for middle-class fathers for whom the challenge of
financial provision is not acute.
In spite of this, the law has not kept up with the
fatherhood revolution. The conception of fatherhood
in South Africa and other southern African countries
was strongly, but not exclusively, influenced by the
British legal system. Roman-Dutch and English
common law have both left their mark although, in
South Africa, customary law has also played a role.
Legally fathers have long stood in a dominant position
with regard to their families and their legitimate
children, in particular. According to both British and
customary law, custody arrangements later came to
favour the mother. However, with the introduction of
the child welfare principle in the late 1800s, came the
legal demand for fathers to pay maintenance, which
was argued to be based on structural economic
inequalities. Maintenance payment was not directly
linked to the question of the father’s access to his
children and this was negotiated at the time of divorce
through courts.
While the media frequently highlight the shortcomings
of fathers in meeting maintenance payments and in
retaining links with their children, the fathers in this
study expressed acute frustration concerning the
obstacles placed in their way by their ex-partners and
by the legal processes.
The fathers interviewed have all attempted to gain
increased access to their children. This has in some
cases involved litigation, which most have experienced
as stressful and painful process that has damaged their
relationships with their ex-partners. But this is one of
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
the strategies that the fathers have been forced to adopt
in order to gain access to their children.
Eric, one of the fathers who was accused of abusing his
daughter, went through a long process of investigation
to finally get access. The procedure included the
intervention of psychologists, judges, social workers
and it took place over a long period of time. What was
common with this case and with the experience of
litigation more generally, is the assumption that fathers
are irresponsible and uncaring unless they prove the
opposite. Eric had this to say:
And the accusations, I mean they were rubbish. You
know there is no come back on her, it ‘s only me that
can go to jail if I do something wrong, but she can just
accuse, accuse, accuse, with no truth. And nothing
happens to her. Nothing! And it costs me money, time
and pain to go to the lawyers, to write a letter, to
defend myself against the lying. Not for her to prove
that I’m guilty. She can just say any rubbish she wants
to and people believe it.
Almost all of the men I interviewed argued that they do
not stand a chance because women are never suspected
of lying and are given the benefit of the doubt. On the
other hand, the honesty of the fathers is always
questioned in a way that, over the long term,
undermines their confidence in their parenting
capacity. The general portrayal of men as abusive by
the media and society in general leaves most of these
fathers feeling unsure of themselves. George another
father, had this to say:
Now you know that, I know that, and every judge
knows that. Yet my attorneys said to me you dare lay
charges against her for assault or for anything else, let
it go, because if you do anything you will be seen to be
the aggressor and ultimately it would be used against
you. And I know that. It just happens time and time
again. We do not stand a chance. We do not. As a man,
as a father in this country you have no chance
whatsoever.
Family laws that take into account the capabilities and
interests of fathers should not be damaging to feminist
gains, yet there has been some resistance over the years
to including fathers in the lives of their children. In the
1980s, calling into question the credentials of fathers
was considered by some as contributing to the feminist
campaign against the patriarchal dominance of women.
Making allegations of sexual abuse and violence during
access and custody cases was this considered a
legitimate, politically inspired move. Bitter
maintenance disputes still feature in such allegations,
as well as male counter-allegations of mothers not
being fit to care for their children. Without exception,
such disputes have a detrimental effect on the
relationship between children and their fathers.
The fathers in this study were, for the most part, very
keen to have frequent contact with their children. They
did not see their obligation as fathers ending with
paying maintenance. Being a provider was only part of
their fatherhood role. They wanted to be integrally
involved in the upbringing of their children.
The experience of paying maintenance for a majority of
these fathers made them actually realize that they were
not an integral part of their children’s lives.
Fathers are unhappy to have their roles reduced to
birthday playmates for their children. Although all of
them agreed that they played with their children and
wanted to be with them on birthdays and special days,
this was not enough. They all felt it was important to
be involved more in their children’s daily lives and that
the access arrangements they had were making it
difficult.
Adapted from the book Baba: Men and Fatherhood in
South Africa.
Critical Success Factors for
Fathers Seeking Physical
Custody of Their Children
by Alan Swanson
The success factors that Alan Swanson listed below
can make all the difference in the world in a custody
dispute.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Choosing the right lawyer
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an
enormous role in helping me get physical custody of
my son. Never having done this before, but having
talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary
decision that drove my selection process: I must retain
a female attorney. I know that there are probably many
good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones
I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during
my attorney selection process that female family
attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the
nuances of family law and that they were much more
skilled at making a case for me to have custody.
Keeping complete records and documentation
I did not have a full-blown journal available at the time
I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have
mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries
(which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card
bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent
about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this
information into a chronological testimony of my
commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I
ended up creating a 50-page journal of information
within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort
and print based on several sets of criteria. When I
tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife
was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes,
school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove
to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the
number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon
(over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for
themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into
exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing
attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal
as “copious notes”.
Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations
Yes, it cost me a lot of money (approximately $2400)
and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist
can see right through you). But the effort is well worth
your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court
appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease
before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts
typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the
evaluators with regard to physical placement of
children.
Talking to Your Children's Neighbors on a Regular
Basis
If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some
no-good is going down in the home of your children) a
couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your
case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone
down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended
their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a
detective to investigate, but the most of the information
I obtained came when I asked a couple of the
neighbours about what they knew. I found out that
Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head
during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn’t
be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt
compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until
mom could pick him up. This information helped
greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and
the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the
level of instability and hostility my son was being
faced with in his home.
Being Actively Involved in Your Children's
Education
I had been to every school conference and planning
session held for Brandon. I had also made my own
notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits
with me, which I shared with his teachers. The real
break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to
retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come
into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide
him with some additional tutoring. This provided
several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe
his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got
this teacher to come to the modification hearing and
testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of
fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son
should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did
show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big,
big help.
Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case
My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the
six district court judges who presided over the family
courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations
each judge had in making decisions on child custody
cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one
particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky
enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure
how this is done, but it is probably a combination of
timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told
me, more often than not make custody decisions using
their own common sense and discretion, and then look
to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Never Lose Your Temper
I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was
able to get through this difficult period without losing
my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles
suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes
after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not
allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the
importance of not losing your temper cannot be over
emphasized. You do not want to have to have the
courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in
front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the
victim of the situation or circumstances.
Running Your Custody Action Without a Budget
If you seek custody of your children, I am sure that you
have good reasons for wanting to raise them yourself.
Why put their future developments at risk? Spend the
money to have those depositions, parental evaluations,
and other investigative work done. Your kids will
thank you for it as adults!
Compile a Photo Album for an Exhibit
I do not know for sure if doing this helped my case or
not (no mention of it is made in the final ruling), but I
did compile and submit into evidence a series of
photographs I took over the course of two years of
visitations with Brandon to show the quality of his
home life with me. I also took photographs of the
section-8 apartments and trailer homes that he had
lived in with his mother during the same period.
Video and Audio Evidence
Like something out of a cheap detective story, I bought
and wore a wire while I was in contact with my ex-wife
and Charles. When Charles confronted me about
calling in Child Protection Services, he was quite
verbally abusive to me, and Brandon was present. My
attorney used a transcript from the tape I made to
successfully demonstrate that Charles possessed a
hostile and uncaring disposition toward Brandon and
me. While the transcript was useful for this purpose,
the judge was not completely impressed with my
tactics. He noted this in his final ruling, implying that
he took all such evidence with a grain of salt since it
was very easy for the wire bearer to bait the other party
in to losing their temper while the tape was running. I
recommend wearing a wire anytime things are less then
friendly with you and your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend,
only to refute any accusation that you acted less than
calm around them. Just be sure to transcribe the tapes
or videos you plan to use, as most courts probably
won't listen or watch the originals due to time
constraints. For more information visit:
http://www.deltabravo.net/guide/
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa
by Dr. Steven Pretorius
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa is a member-based nonprofit-
organization whose mission is to educate the
South African public about the injustices inflicted on
children and parents (mostly fathers) by the current
family law system and about better ways of managing
the divorce-access-custody system through shared and
equal parenting. We advocate for shared parenting with
equal parenting rights and responsibilities.
We believe children have the right to and the need for
BOTH of their parents. We envision a social system
where the “custody battle” is the exception, not the
rule. We offer help and hope to children, fathers, and
their families. If you share this vision, join us.
Together, we will make it happen.
• If you are divorced or separated with little or
no access or contact with your children,
• If you are a child deprived of contact with a
parent,
• If you are an unmarried parent and your rights
are denied,
• If you are a grandparent denied meaningful
contact with your grandchildren as a result of
a bitter divorce,
• If you feel you’ve had an unfair deal as
regards your children in divorce proceedings,
• If you have received unprofessional help from
the experts,
• If you are being ignored by the authorities, or
• If you simply wish to support our stated aims
and ambitions,
Please join us and help us continue our fight for your
children. Dr. Steven Pretorius is the founder and
chairman of the Fathers-4-justice South Africa
Contact details: steven@f4j.co.za
www.f4j.co.za
I found some seriously useful bits of information in here as this particularly outlines what is the best interest of the children and has me feeling confident about my reasons for wanting custody.
As it was pointed out on this forum, the case cannot be based on her infidelities, but rather, and an always overriding, is it in the best interest of the children.
The links are listed below:
Friday Newsletter Issue 18*
File Format: Microsoft Word - View as HTML
In the case of AD and Another v DW and Others 4 the Court had to look at the best interest of a baby girl who was ... 1 McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (c) ...
www.childlawsa.com/docs/lab/issue%2019%20best%20interests.doc - Similar pages
The Centre for Child Law
Townsend-Turner and Another v Morrow 2004 (2) SA 32 (C) View ... McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (C) – also see best interest View; B v M 2006 (9) BCLR 1034 ...
www.childlawsa.com/family.html - 28k - Cached - Similar pages
More results from www.childlawsa.com »
Below I have also copied an article I found also rather informative. It discusses challenges/ prejudices fathers face in wanting to be more involved in the children’s lives. It does look like the road ahead is going to be long, hard and challenging. It is therefore important to keep the ultimate goal in mind… I am doing this for my children’s wellbeing. Often, when things become difficult, it is easy to end up questioning yourself, your motives, your abilities… for this reason, I am grateful for my support structures… Thank you all …
No 27
Child, Youth, Family and Social Development
Human Sciences Research Council
November 2006
The Fatherhood Project
NEWSLETTER
HSRC
Father's rights of access to
children
Although it has been documented that some fathers are
absent in the lives of their children as a result of
abandonment, there are still some fathers out there who
really want to be with their children and care for them.
However, a number of them have been alienated from
their children not out of their own choice, but as a
result of painful custody battles in a judicial system
that seems to favour the mother of the children.
In this issue we look at the struggles of fathers who
want to be with their children and discuss tips for
fathers seeking physical custody of their children.
Fathers don’t stand a chance:
experiences of custody, access
and maintenance by Grace Khunou
‘Fathers are not interested in their children especially
when they do not marry their mothers.’ This is the kind
of statement one hears in the corridors of the
maintenance courts, in taxis and in general
conversation between men and women in the streets of
Johannesburg.
It may come as a surprise, but many fathers – divorced,
unmarried, and single – love their children and want to
spend as much time as possible with them.
Unfortunately, courts and law enforcers often overlook
this and treat fathers simply as providers of financial
support and discipline.
A particular conception of father – as a provider – has
influenced the direction of social policy on families.
Ideas about fatherhood have changed in the last 30
years and, particularly in the developed world, the
engagement of fathers with young children has been
encouraged. Fathers in many parts of the world are no
longer seen only as providers. The affective side of
fathering has become much more important, especially
for middle-class fathers for whom the challenge of
financial provision is not acute.
In spite of this, the law has not kept up with the
fatherhood revolution. The conception of fatherhood
in South Africa and other southern African countries
was strongly, but not exclusively, influenced by the
British legal system. Roman-Dutch and English
common law have both left their mark although, in
South Africa, customary law has also played a role.
Legally fathers have long stood in a dominant position
with regard to their families and their legitimate
children, in particular. According to both British and
customary law, custody arrangements later came to
favour the mother. However, with the introduction of
the child welfare principle in the late 1800s, came the
legal demand for fathers to pay maintenance, which
was argued to be based on structural economic
inequalities. Maintenance payment was not directly
linked to the question of the father’s access to his
children and this was negotiated at the time of divorce
through courts.
While the media frequently highlight the shortcomings
of fathers in meeting maintenance payments and in
retaining links with their children, the fathers in this
study expressed acute frustration concerning the
obstacles placed in their way by their ex-partners and
by the legal processes.
The fathers interviewed have all attempted to gain
increased access to their children. This has in some
cases involved litigation, which most have experienced
as stressful and painful process that has damaged their
relationships with their ex-partners. But this is one of
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
the strategies that the fathers have been forced to adopt
in order to gain access to their children.
Eric, one of the fathers who was accused of abusing his
daughter, went through a long process of investigation
to finally get access. The procedure included the
intervention of psychologists, judges, social workers
and it took place over a long period of time. What was
common with this case and with the experience of
litigation more generally, is the assumption that fathers
are irresponsible and uncaring unless they prove the
opposite. Eric had this to say:
And the accusations, I mean they were rubbish. You
know there is no come back on her, it ‘s only me that
can go to jail if I do something wrong, but she can just
accuse, accuse, accuse, with no truth. And nothing
happens to her. Nothing! And it costs me money, time
and pain to go to the lawyers, to write a letter, to
defend myself against the lying. Not for her to prove
that I’m guilty. She can just say any rubbish she wants
to and people believe it.
Almost all of the men I interviewed argued that they do
not stand a chance because women are never suspected
of lying and are given the benefit of the doubt. On the
other hand, the honesty of the fathers is always
questioned in a way that, over the long term,
undermines their confidence in their parenting
capacity. The general portrayal of men as abusive by
the media and society in general leaves most of these
fathers feeling unsure of themselves. George another
father, had this to say:
Now you know that, I know that, and every judge
knows that. Yet my attorneys said to me you dare lay
charges against her for assault or for anything else, let
it go, because if you do anything you will be seen to be
the aggressor and ultimately it would be used against
you. And I know that. It just happens time and time
again. We do not stand a chance. We do not. As a man,
as a father in this country you have no chance
whatsoever.
Family laws that take into account the capabilities and
interests of fathers should not be damaging to feminist
gains, yet there has been some resistance over the years
to including fathers in the lives of their children. In the
1980s, calling into question the credentials of fathers
was considered by some as contributing to the feminist
campaign against the patriarchal dominance of women.
Making allegations of sexual abuse and violence during
access and custody cases was this considered a
legitimate, politically inspired move. Bitter
maintenance disputes still feature in such allegations,
as well as male counter-allegations of mothers not
being fit to care for their children. Without exception,
such disputes have a detrimental effect on the
relationship between children and their fathers.
The fathers in this study were, for the most part, very
keen to have frequent contact with their children. They
did not see their obligation as fathers ending with
paying maintenance. Being a provider was only part of
their fatherhood role. They wanted to be integrally
involved in the upbringing of their children.
The experience of paying maintenance for a majority of
these fathers made them actually realize that they were
not an integral part of their children’s lives.
Fathers are unhappy to have their roles reduced to
birthday playmates for their children. Although all of
them agreed that they played with their children and
wanted to be with them on birthdays and special days,
this was not enough. They all felt it was important to
be involved more in their children’s daily lives and that
the access arrangements they had were making it
difficult.
Adapted from the book Baba: Men and Fatherhood in
South Africa.
Critical Success Factors for
Fathers Seeking Physical
Custody of Their Children
by Alan Swanson
The success factors that Alan Swanson listed below
can make all the difference in the world in a custody
dispute.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Choosing the right lawyer
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an
enormous role in helping me get physical custody of
my son. Never having done this before, but having
talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary
decision that drove my selection process: I must retain
a female attorney. I know that there are probably many
good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones
I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during
my attorney selection process that female family
attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the
nuances of family law and that they were much more
skilled at making a case for me to have custody.
Keeping complete records and documentation
I did not have a full-blown journal available at the time
I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have
mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries
(which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card
bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent
about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this
information into a chronological testimony of my
commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I
ended up creating a 50-page journal of information
within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort
and print based on several sets of criteria. When I
tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife
was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes,
school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove
to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the
number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon
(over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for
themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into
exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing
attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal
as “copious notes”.
Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations
Yes, it cost me a lot of money (approximately $2400)
and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist
can see right through you). But the effort is well worth
your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court
appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease
before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts
typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the
evaluators with regard to physical placement of
children.
Talking to Your Children's Neighbors on a Regular
Basis
If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some
no-good is going down in the home of your children) a
couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your
case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone
down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended
their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a
detective to investigate, but the most of the information
I obtained came when I asked a couple of the
neighbours about what they knew. I found out that
Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head
during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn’t
be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt
compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until
mom could pick him up. This information helped
greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and
the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the
level of instability and hostility my son was being
faced with in his home.
Being Actively Involved in Your Children's
Education
I had been to every school conference and planning
session held for Brandon. I had also made my own
notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits
with me, which I shared with his teachers. The real
break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to
retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come
into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide
him with some additional tutoring. This provided
several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe
his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got
this teacher to come to the modification hearing and
testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of
fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son
should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did
show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big,
big help.
Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case
My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the
six district court judges who presided over the family
courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations
each judge had in making decisions on child custody
cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one
particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky
enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure
how this is done, but it is probably a combination of
timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told
me, more often than not make custody decisions using
their own common sense and discretion, and then look
to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Never Lose Your Temper
I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was
able to get through this difficult period without losing
my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles
suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes
after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not
allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the
importance of not losing your temper cannot be over
emphasized. You do not want to have to have the
courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in
front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the
victim of the situation or circumstances.
Running Your Custody Action Without a Budget
If you seek custody of your children, I am sure that you
have good reasons for wanting to raise them yourself.
Why put their future developments at risk? Spend the
money to have those depositions, parental evaluations,
and other investigative work done. Your kids will
thank you for it as adults!
Compile a Photo Album for an Exhibit
I do not know for sure if doing this helped my case or
not (no mention of it is made in the final ruling), but I
did compile and submit into evidence a series of
photographs I took over the course of two years of
visitations with Brandon to show the quality of his
home life with me. I also took photographs of the
section-8 apartments and trailer homes that he had
lived in with his mother during the same period.
Video and Audio Evidence
Like something out of a cheap detective story, I bought
and wore a wire while I was in contact with my ex-wife
and Charles. When Charles confronted me about
calling in Child Protection Services, he was quite
verbally abusive to me, and Brandon was present. My
attorney used a transcript from the tape I made to
successfully demonstrate that Charles possessed a
hostile and uncaring disposition toward Brandon and
me. While the transcript was useful for this purpose,
the judge was not completely impressed with my
tactics. He noted this in his final ruling, implying that
he took all such evidence with a grain of salt since it
was very easy for the wire bearer to bait the other party
in to losing their temper while the tape was running. I
recommend wearing a wire anytime things are less then
friendly with you and your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend,
only to refute any accusation that you acted less than
calm around them. Just be sure to transcribe the tapes
or videos you plan to use, as most courts probably
won't listen or watch the originals due to time
constraints. For more information visit:
http://www.deltabravo.net/guide/
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa
by Dr. Steven Pretorius
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa is a member-based nonprofit-
organization whose mission is to educate the
South African public about the injustices inflicted on
children and parents (mostly fathers) by the current
family law system and about better ways of managing
the divorce-access-custody system through shared and
equal parenting. We advocate for shared parenting with
equal parenting rights and responsibilities.
We believe children have the right to and the need for
BOTH of their parents. We envision a social system
where the “custody battle” is the exception, not the
rule. We offer help and hope to children, fathers, and
their families. If you share this vision, join us.
Together, we will make it happen.
• If you are divorced or separated with little or
no access or contact with your children,
• If you are a child deprived of contact with a
parent,
• If you are an unmarried parent and your rights
are denied,
• If you are a grandparent denied meaningful
contact with your grandchildren as a result of
a bitter divorce,
• If you feel you’ve had an unfair deal as
regards your children in divorce proceedings,
• If you have received unprofessional help from
the experts,
• If you are being ignored by the authorities, or
• If you simply wish to support our stated aims
and ambitions,
Please join us and help us continue our fight for your
children. Dr. Steven Pretorius is the founder and
chairman of the Fathers-4-justice South Africa
Contact details: steven@f4j.co.za
www.f4j.co.za
An emotional low
So today is one of those days. I saw my kids last on Saturday, and yes, today is only Monday, but I miss them like crazy. I call them every evening to chat with them. My 2 ½ year old almost had me in tears… answered the phone singing me a nursery rhyme…. Barba barba black sheep have you any wool, yes sir, yes sir 3 bags full…
I miss them so badly and Saturday is such a long way off. Its times like today that I feel like pulling out my hair.
I had a long chat with the lawyer today. We were speaking about my frustrations, my worry about my children’s well-being. It does not appear that much more will be happening this year still as the courts are almost in recess for the year end. If we are extremely lucky, and God help me that we are, we can get at least 1 court hearing and the Phyc. evaluations can at least get under way. My eldest boy starts high school next year and I do not want to drag this divorce out any longer… starting high school is difficult enough… new school, new teachers, new pressures.
I am going to try and get some sleep now. That’s the other thing I have learnt, you need lots of rest. A tired mind is an irrational mind and God knows we need to stay rational.
I leave you with this saying I found today and it helped to keep me strong:
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. ~Rabindranath Tagore
I miss them so badly and Saturday is such a long way off. Its times like today that I feel like pulling out my hair.
I had a long chat with the lawyer today. We were speaking about my frustrations, my worry about my children’s well-being. It does not appear that much more will be happening this year still as the courts are almost in recess for the year end. If we are extremely lucky, and God help me that we are, we can get at least 1 court hearing and the Phyc. evaluations can at least get under way. My eldest boy starts high school next year and I do not want to drag this divorce out any longer… starting high school is difficult enough… new school, new teachers, new pressures.
I am going to try and get some sleep now. That’s the other thing I have learnt, you need lots of rest. A tired mind is an irrational mind and God knows we need to stay rational.
I leave you with this saying I found today and it helped to keep me strong:
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. ~Rabindranath Tagore
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Information found, hope this helps
It is such a struggle to find reference material about a case such as mine. I have found several sites but often found it to be in another country or someone trying to make a buck of my situation.
I have however found some useful info, many of which I have already been doing, but also some new.
Some useful guidelines I found are (Source was from http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.php):
Choosing the Right Attorney
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an enormous role in helping me get physical custody of my son. Never having done this before, but having talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary decision which drove my selection process: I must retain a female attorney. I know that there are probably many good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during my attorney selection process that female family attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the nuances of family law and that they were much more skilled at making a case for me to have custody.
Keeping Complete Records and Documentation
I did not have a full blown journal available at the time I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries (which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this information into a chronological testimony of my commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I ended up creating a 50 page journal of information within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort and print based on several sets of criteria. When I tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes, school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon (over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal as "copious notes".
Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations
Yes, it cost me a lot of money and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist can see right through you). But the effort is well worth your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the evaluators with regard to physical placement of children.
Further info regarding these evaluations can be found at http://www.apa.org/practice/childcustody.html
Talking to Your Children's Neighbours on a Regular Basis
If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some no-good is going down in the home of your children) a couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a detective to investigate, but the most of the information I obtained came when I asked a couple of the neighbors about what they knew. I found out that Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn't be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until mom could pick him up. This information helped greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the level of instability and hostility my son was being faced with in his home.
Being Actively Involved in Your Children's Education
I had been to every school conference and planning session held for Brandon. I had also made my own notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits with me which I shared with his teachers. The real break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide him with some additional tutoring. This provided several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got this teacher to come to the modification hearing and testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big, big help.
Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case
My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the six district court judges who presided over the family courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations each judge had in making decisions on child custody cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure how this is done, but it is probably a combination of timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told me, more often than not make custody decisions using their own common sense and discretion, and then look to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.
Never Losing Your Temper
I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was able to get through this difficult period without losing my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the importance of not losing your temper cannot be over emphasized. You do not want to have to have the courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the victim of the situation or circumstances.
Some additional Sites found are:
• http://www.custodycenter.com/FATHERS-DEFEND-LP/index.html (This is a pay for material site – however some of the descriptions could be useful)
• http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1587-child-custody-websites.php - Child Custody Fact Site; the information is relevant to the US, but I am sure it could be of useful wherever you find yourself. Also, this page has a host of different links to sites with even more information.
• Fathers Seeking Custody Face Gender Bias Battles, if anything, it does offer hope:- http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1370-custody-gender-bias.php
If any of you reading this has anything to add, please mail me on the link below and I will gladly update for all to see.
I have however found some useful info, many of which I have already been doing, but also some new.
Some useful guidelines I found are (Source was from http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.php):
Choosing the Right Attorney
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an enormous role in helping me get physical custody of my son. Never having done this before, but having talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary decision which drove my selection process: I must retain a female attorney. I know that there are probably many good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during my attorney selection process that female family attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the nuances of family law and that they were much more skilled at making a case for me to have custody.
Keeping Complete Records and Documentation
I did not have a full blown journal available at the time I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries (which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this information into a chronological testimony of my commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I ended up creating a 50 page journal of information within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort and print based on several sets of criteria. When I tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes, school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon (over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal as "copious notes".
Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations
Yes, it cost me a lot of money and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist can see right through you). But the effort is well worth your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the evaluators with regard to physical placement of children.
Further info regarding these evaluations can be found at http://www.apa.org/practice/childcustody.html
Talking to Your Children's Neighbours on a Regular Basis
If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some no-good is going down in the home of your children) a couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a detective to investigate, but the most of the information I obtained came when I asked a couple of the neighbors about what they knew. I found out that Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn't be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until mom could pick him up. This information helped greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the level of instability and hostility my son was being faced with in his home.
Being Actively Involved in Your Children's Education
I had been to every school conference and planning session held for Brandon. I had also made my own notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits with me which I shared with his teachers. The real break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide him with some additional tutoring. This provided several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got this teacher to come to the modification hearing and testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big, big help.
Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case
My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the six district court judges who presided over the family courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations each judge had in making decisions on child custody cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure how this is done, but it is probably a combination of timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told me, more often than not make custody decisions using their own common sense and discretion, and then look to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.
Never Losing Your Temper
I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was able to get through this difficult period without losing my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the importance of not losing your temper cannot be over emphasized. You do not want to have to have the courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the victim of the situation or circumstances.
Some additional Sites found are:
• http://www.custodycenter.com/FATHERS-DEFEND-LP/index.html (This is a pay for material site – however some of the descriptions could be useful)
• http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1587-child-custody-websites.php - Child Custody Fact Site; the information is relevant to the US, but I am sure it could be of useful wherever you find yourself. Also, this page has a host of different links to sites with even more information.
• Fathers Seeking Custody Face Gender Bias Battles, if anything, it does offer hope:- http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1370-custody-gender-bias.php
If any of you reading this has anything to add, please mail me on the link below and I will gladly update for all to see.
One of the most difficult things to do...
One of the most difficult things to do is to remain focussed on what your objective is... in this case, wanting full custody of the children. Now, as part of the custody case, keep in mind the most common reaction is "yet another father wanting revenge" it has become apparent that whatever anger / resentment issues I have for her has to be distanced from the reason I want custody of the children.
So let’s look at a hypothetical scenario. Your "EX" has a history of affairs, both married and unmarried men; before and during your marriage. So, you being the human that you are, have obvious issues around these infidelities. Now, if you are using this as part of the reason for your custody case, you need to be certain that the reason revolves around your children and what is best for them and not your own anger / resentment around what has happened. You cannot say that she has affairs and it is not good for the children. You have to show how this pattern of behaviour can have a negative influence on the children. Every situation such as this brings along its own set of unique circumstances. What you have to do is look at the situation; distance yourself from your anger; and see how best this could be used in your case.
Back to my reality, I am finding it extremely difficult to interact with her without the anger and resentment cropping up. My anger issues are not related to the reasons for our marriage breaking down, but more about how she is using my children as tools to get at me. (If I am completely honest with myself, I guess there is still hurt around the breakdown of our marriage and yes it still hurts). I recall a day where she has said to me that if I drop the custody case, I will get to see my children more often.
Take a statement like that, traditionally, I would have become extremely angry; no, not violently angry :-); and we would have ended up in an argument that would have no resolution at the end of it.... Again, keeping the anger / resentment statement of earlier vs. is this about the children, how do I use this statement to my benefit I found myself asking...what is this really about?
The statement she made cannot really be used in the court case because it will just become her word against mine. So what does that leave me with? Well, for her to make a statement such as that to me means that she has her back up against the wall. She is using the children to get to me and as much as I love my kids and want to spend every free moment with them, I have to keep my eyes on the prize and try not to let this get to me. I have to look at things in terms of what is best for my case... what is it my children need? Again, this is not as easy as it sounds… we are human, we have emotions…
Our emotions and how we let it control us, as I have learnt, dictates how we respond to situations. If we are not in control of our emotions, things have a way of turning out bad. I am not saying that you should become void of your emotions, you do that and you are not classified as human any longer. Our emotions are one of many characteristics that define who we are. What I am saying is learn how to use your emotions… Learn how to control them. In order for you to do this, you will also need a good support structure in place.
Support can come in many forms. Some things you can do for yourselves (sport, hobby, etc), with others you will need help. My family have been a great source of support for me, however, looking at the situation from the outside, they have their own anger / resentment around what has happened. Often, what we need to stay on course is an objective point of view from someone void of the emotions attached to your situation.
That being said, I have 2 new wonderful ladies in my life; lets call them T & Z.
T is a Clinical Psychologist (had some of you going there hey) whom I have been seeing for close to a year now. During my sessions with her, I have learnt so much about me and what makes me tick. Often the perception is that you go to a shrink if there is something wrong or you on the verge of being instituted… HELL NO!!! The day this ordeal is over, I will continue to see my “shrink” because I have learnt so much about me and have grown so much as a person and I do feel that I have a lot more growing to do…
The other lady in my life, Z, is a Life Coach. She gave me the ability to channel my energies, positive or negative, into a positive outcome. Once again, so much growth experienced and so much learnt about me.
For the record, during these sessions, neither T nor Z tells me what to do. At the end of the day, I always had the answer but never always saw the answer. What my “ladies” offer me, is coaching… coaching me into seeing the answer for myself. From them, I can also get an unbiased perspective on my situation.
T & Z, should you guys be reading this, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. You always tell me that I do all the hard work, and today I do realise that yes, I did do the hard work, but your guidance and support is a tremendous help in getting and keeping me on track. THANK YOU
So, in closing, emotion channelled incorrectly can cloud our judgement and we do not always see the answer right there in front of us. At the beginning of the year, I seriously considered suicide and made a feeble attempt at it. At the time, for me, my whole world was caving in. Everything I worked towards and worked for was being ripped away from me. Issues around my parents divorce surfaced. The negative effect that had on both my brothers and I, my world was ending.
What I did not see is that killing me was not going to solve anything. Yes, I would not be around to feel the pain and the hurt… but the people I love would feel the pain and hurt. My mom, brothers and most importantly, my children. Should I have gone through with it, my children would be with their mother and be raised in an environment; that in my belief; is not conducive to rearing children. Should I have gone through with it, who would have fought for their best interest…
No matter how difficult things get, no matter how bleak the future may look, there is always an answer that will help you get out… don’t let the emotion cloud your judgement, don’t let the emotion hide the answer… you can take charge… you can turn things around.
So let’s look at a hypothetical scenario. Your "EX" has a history of affairs, both married and unmarried men; before and during your marriage. So, you being the human that you are, have obvious issues around these infidelities. Now, if you are using this as part of the reason for your custody case, you need to be certain that the reason revolves around your children and what is best for them and not your own anger / resentment around what has happened. You cannot say that she has affairs and it is not good for the children. You have to show how this pattern of behaviour can have a negative influence on the children. Every situation such as this brings along its own set of unique circumstances. What you have to do is look at the situation; distance yourself from your anger; and see how best this could be used in your case.
Back to my reality, I am finding it extremely difficult to interact with her without the anger and resentment cropping up. My anger issues are not related to the reasons for our marriage breaking down, but more about how she is using my children as tools to get at me. (If I am completely honest with myself, I guess there is still hurt around the breakdown of our marriage and yes it still hurts). I recall a day where she has said to me that if I drop the custody case, I will get to see my children more often.
Take a statement like that, traditionally, I would have become extremely angry; no, not violently angry :-); and we would have ended up in an argument that would have no resolution at the end of it.... Again, keeping the anger / resentment statement of earlier vs. is this about the children, how do I use this statement to my benefit I found myself asking...what is this really about?
The statement she made cannot really be used in the court case because it will just become her word against mine. So what does that leave me with? Well, for her to make a statement such as that to me means that she has her back up against the wall. She is using the children to get to me and as much as I love my kids and want to spend every free moment with them, I have to keep my eyes on the prize and try not to let this get to me. I have to look at things in terms of what is best for my case... what is it my children need? Again, this is not as easy as it sounds… we are human, we have emotions…
Our emotions and how we let it control us, as I have learnt, dictates how we respond to situations. If we are not in control of our emotions, things have a way of turning out bad. I am not saying that you should become void of your emotions, you do that and you are not classified as human any longer. Our emotions are one of many characteristics that define who we are. What I am saying is learn how to use your emotions… Learn how to control them. In order for you to do this, you will also need a good support structure in place.
Support can come in many forms. Some things you can do for yourselves (sport, hobby, etc), with others you will need help. My family have been a great source of support for me, however, looking at the situation from the outside, they have their own anger / resentment around what has happened. Often, what we need to stay on course is an objective point of view from someone void of the emotions attached to your situation.
That being said, I have 2 new wonderful ladies in my life; lets call them T & Z.
T is a Clinical Psychologist (had some of you going there hey) whom I have been seeing for close to a year now. During my sessions with her, I have learnt so much about me and what makes me tick. Often the perception is that you go to a shrink if there is something wrong or you on the verge of being instituted… HELL NO!!! The day this ordeal is over, I will continue to see my “shrink” because I have learnt so much about me and have grown so much as a person and I do feel that I have a lot more growing to do…
The other lady in my life, Z, is a Life Coach. She gave me the ability to channel my energies, positive or negative, into a positive outcome. Once again, so much growth experienced and so much learnt about me.
For the record, during these sessions, neither T nor Z tells me what to do. At the end of the day, I always had the answer but never always saw the answer. What my “ladies” offer me, is coaching… coaching me into seeing the answer for myself. From them, I can also get an unbiased perspective on my situation.
T & Z, should you guys be reading this, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. You always tell me that I do all the hard work, and today I do realise that yes, I did do the hard work, but your guidance and support is a tremendous help in getting and keeping me on track. THANK YOU
So, in closing, emotion channelled incorrectly can cloud our judgement and we do not always see the answer right there in front of us. At the beginning of the year, I seriously considered suicide and made a feeble attempt at it. At the time, for me, my whole world was caving in. Everything I worked towards and worked for was being ripped away from me. Issues around my parents divorce surfaced. The negative effect that had on both my brothers and I, my world was ending.
What I did not see is that killing me was not going to solve anything. Yes, I would not be around to feel the pain and the hurt… but the people I love would feel the pain and hurt. My mom, brothers and most importantly, my children. Should I have gone through with it, my children would be with their mother and be raised in an environment; that in my belief; is not conducive to rearing children. Should I have gone through with it, who would have fought for their best interest…
No matter how difficult things get, no matter how bleak the future may look, there is always an answer that will help you get out… don’t let the emotion cloud your judgement, don’t let the emotion hide the answer… you can take charge… you can turn things around.
Friday, November 21, 2008
So, for my first blog entry
For those smart people out there, you can probably guess that I am in the process of going through a divorce and wanting custody of my children.
Now the most common response over the last couple of months is "oh boy, yet another father wanting revenge!"
So for my first posting, let me set the record straight. (Until the divorce is complete, I will also be refraining from using my children, my soon to be ex wife and my real names for obvious reasons).
Another shocking revelation is that I was not the cause for the breakdown of my marriage. I was infact in love with this woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I would have done anything to make her happy. Unfortunately this did not work out as planned and our marriage broke down.
The reasons for me wanting custody although linked to her infidelities, goes way beyond them. Please, do not get me wrong. I am not for one moment saying that she does not love the children, infact I am sure she would kill for them if the need arises. What I am saying is that some of her life choices and actions are not conducive to rearing children. Again, for now I will be refraining from specifics because the one thing I have learnt, is that a court case such as this is much like playing poker... DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND TO EARLY.
Now, back to the reason for this blog...
This whole ordeal has proven to be an emotional roller coaster of note. What I am hoping to achieve with this blog is:
I am not a lawyer, psychologist
For now, I have to be off to bed, I have to be up early to my eldest cricket game. I will leave you with a quote by one Joseph Chilton Pearce:
Now the most common response over the last couple of months is "oh boy, yet another father wanting revenge!"
So for my first posting, let me set the record straight. (Until the divorce is complete, I will also be refraining from using my children, my soon to be ex wife and my real names for obvious reasons).
Another shocking revelation is that I was not the cause for the breakdown of my marriage. I was infact in love with this woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I would have done anything to make her happy. Unfortunately this did not work out as planned and our marriage broke down.
The reasons for me wanting custody although linked to her infidelities, goes way beyond them. Please, do not get me wrong. I am not for one moment saying that she does not love the children, infact I am sure she would kill for them if the need arises. What I am saying is that some of her life choices and actions are not conducive to rearing children. Again, for now I will be refraining from specifics because the one thing I have learnt, is that a court case such as this is much like playing poker... DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND TO EARLY.
Now, back to the reason for this blog...
This whole ordeal has proven to be an emotional roller coaster of note. What I am hoping to achieve with this blog is:
- Serve as a support mechanism to me. So I encourage readers / followers to share their experiences and advise.
- I am hoping for this blog to serve as a support forum to others as well going through this difficult time.
I am not a lawyer, psychologist
For now, I have to be off to bed, I have to be up early to my eldest cricket game. I will leave you with a quote by one Joseph Chilton Pearce:
For only as we ourselves, as adults, actually move and have our being in the state of love, can we be appropriate models and guides for our children. What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.
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