Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

So I am back at work after a few weeks leave. Spent a whole week with my kids which was really awsome. I knew I missed them, just did not know how much:-(

Last week we were suppsoed to appear in court as I filed for the Rule 43 as my STBX has been dragging her feet, probably because I am fighting for custody. A day before the court date, her lawyer calls mine stating they are going to go aheead with my requests... the next day... back to dragging her feet....

The funny thing is, as much as I thought I was over her, lately I can' t stop thinking of her and really missing her. I asked myself if its not just the idea of what once was? I ask myself that after all of her infedelities can I trust her no I can' t, so why then do I miss her so much....

I am trying my best to remain positive and focused on the things that are in my control, but finding it difficult because she keeps running around in my mind...

I guess this is just one of those many phases one goes through... I know it will pass, I know there is now way that I will ever trust her so any sort of relationship with her is out of the question.

Typing this post I am suddenly feeling anger build up for what she has done... guess I did not truely forgive her either... Does anyone know where that Divorce Manuel is... please pass it on :-)

This thing called a Rule 43

So I filed for this thing called a rule 43 (The Rule 43 application in the High Court (or Rule 32 in the Divorce Court) is a quick and relatively inexpensive way to get interim orders for custody, guardianship, maintenance and help with legal costs, when the case is defended and the trial is still a long way away) and the date is drawing nearer.

Suppose it has something to do with the anxuiousness being felt. The last couple of months opened my eyes to the extent of Gender Bias in terms of divorce and what I perceive to be the minimal rights I have over my own children.

So, I guess I'm somewhat scared that someone out there is going to say that I do not have enough grounds to have custody... these thoughts to some degree can become overwhelming.

I often have to remind myself, and I do this be reading through all the evidance I have accumulated over the last year, the reason why I am doing this. It is important to stay positive and remain focussed on the ultimate goal. The more the uncertainties creep in, the more insecure one can become and taking on a challenge as fighting for custody, means you have to be 100% secure in your reasons.

I have created the possibility of having my children live with me full time... it is up to me to go out and now prove that it is in their best interest to present my case. I need to present my case with sincerity and integrity. I need to present this void of all anger and believe that my reasons are sincere...

Again, my support structure has been a tremendous help and I urge you all to have a strong support structure... times get tough and your support can be your saving grace.

Happy New Year???

So for the last few weeks I've been fairly upbeat and in a really good space. The last week or so I found that I was becoming edgy and anxious and could not figure out why.

Last night, it dawned on me... I was hating the fact that I was not with my kids and even the person I married. I miss them all so much. I'm not contemplating reconciliation with her, I not convinced that I could ever trust her again! But I missed what we were as a happy family.

I know and have accepted that we will not be a happy family again and I have realised that I can still be happy and joyous with my children.

This last week has been difficult for many people I suppose based on the significance of the time of year... being family orientated.

This has been the first Xmas, New Years etc for many people going through divorce, who have lost loved ones, a first for many. I also know that the "first step" is always the most difficult, the second becomes easier and so on...

Who ever is reading this and experiencing a first... it will get better... that is a promise I can make