Its Been A While

Its been a while and I have just not gotten to my blog. Partly, I think I was avoiding posting. Posting here has become part of my way of dealing with things and I think I have been avoiding it....

I recently wrote her a letter just saying how i feel. I do hate her. I hate her for doing what she did. I hate her for me not being with my kids day in and day out.

I miss having to pick my baby up off the floor because he fell out of the bed. Cleaning up the vomit at 2 am because one of them is sick. Them waking up crying because of a bad dream.

I miss her mom, I have really grown to love that woman, today she will not talk to me... and there is another hate... I hate the lies she has told and continues to tell.

I am trying and I ray that we can have a relationship again, for the sake of the kids at least... its just so difficult to trust her because she continues o lie.

Part of me still misses her like crazy and I hate that!!!!!!!!

I'm also angry, not at her, but at this whole legal system. For me, impotence has taken on a new meaning. The legal system, in my humble opinion, needs to relook at the meaning of “Best Interest of the Child”… uuuurrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!

Also, does morals not count for much anymore? I am finding this legal jungle “WOMAN FRIENDY”

OK enough complaining….

Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

So I am back at work after a few weeks leave. Spent a whole week with my kids which was really awsome. I knew I missed them, just did not know how much:-(

Last week we were suppsoed to appear in court as I filed for the Rule 43 as my STBX has been dragging her feet, probably because I am fighting for custody. A day before the court date, her lawyer calls mine stating they are going to go aheead with my requests... the next day... back to dragging her feet....

The funny thing is, as much as I thought I was over her, lately I can' t stop thinking of her and really missing her. I asked myself if its not just the idea of what once was? I ask myself that after all of her infedelities can I trust her no I can' t, so why then do I miss her so much....

I am trying my best to remain positive and focused on the things that are in my control, but finding it difficult because she keeps running around in my mind...

I guess this is just one of those many phases one goes through... I know it will pass, I know there is now way that I will ever trust her so any sort of relationship with her is out of the question.

Typing this post I am suddenly feeling anger build up for what she has done... guess I did not truely forgive her either... Does anyone know where that Divorce Manuel is... please pass it on :-)

This thing called a Rule 43

So I filed for this thing called a rule 43 (The Rule 43 application in the High Court (or Rule 32 in the Divorce Court) is a quick and relatively inexpensive way to get interim orders for custody, guardianship, maintenance and help with legal costs, when the case is defended and the trial is still a long way away) and the date is drawing nearer.

Suppose it has something to do with the anxuiousness being felt. The last couple of months opened my eyes to the extent of Gender Bias in terms of divorce and what I perceive to be the minimal rights I have over my own children.

So, I guess I'm somewhat scared that someone out there is going to say that I do not have enough grounds to have custody... these thoughts to some degree can become overwhelming.

I often have to remind myself, and I do this be reading through all the evidance I have accumulated over the last year, the reason why I am doing this. It is important to stay positive and remain focussed on the ultimate goal. The more the uncertainties creep in, the more insecure one can become and taking on a challenge as fighting for custody, means you have to be 100% secure in your reasons.

I have created the possibility of having my children live with me full time... it is up to me to go out and now prove that it is in their best interest to present my case. I need to present my case with sincerity and integrity. I need to present this void of all anger and believe that my reasons are sincere...

Again, my support structure has been a tremendous help and I urge you all to have a strong support structure... times get tough and your support can be your saving grace.

Happy New Year???

So for the last few weeks I've been fairly upbeat and in a really good space. The last week or so I found that I was becoming edgy and anxious and could not figure out why.

Last night, it dawned on me... I was hating the fact that I was not with my kids and even the person I married. I miss them all so much. I'm not contemplating reconciliation with her, I not convinced that I could ever trust her again! But I missed what we were as a happy family.

I know and have accepted that we will not be a happy family again and I have realised that I can still be happy and joyous with my children.

This last week has been difficult for many people I suppose based on the significance of the time of year... being family orientated.

This has been the first Xmas, New Years etc for many people going through divorce, who have lost loved ones, a first for many. I also know that the "first step" is always the most difficult, the second becomes easier and so on...

Who ever is reading this and experiencing a first... it will get better... that is a promise I can make

We are not alone...

Been on various forums where divorce is the topic of conversation and the more I read these bits and pieces of people’s lives, one can’t help but see a familiar pattern brewing.

There is this anger period, you feel so much anger that you tend to take it out on those who actually care about you. Then you start to think what was wrong with me, what have I done to deserve this, was I not good enough? You think of the years you’ve “wasted" with this “life partner”. Then you start to let go of the anger and you start to realise you not totally responsible for things going wrong. You have a court case in between; you have confused children who don’t understand why their mommy and daddy don’t live in the same house anymore.

Then you start to see, in time, that you’ve been given a second chance in life. You can start over. Even though it’s not easy, you are lucky to be given this new slate in your life.

There is happiness after divorce. There is a new life to be lived.

I have grown so much due to this experience that I’ve endured. It’s been tough, but it has made me tougher! I hope that everyone will learn from their experiences and that they too will become tougher and appreciate this opportunity of a new life!

What a question posed

So yesterday I had my boys with me for 3 hours and it was great to be with them.

I decided to take them for some ice-cream, during the drive there; my 4 year old son nearly knocked me out with those innocent, hard driving questions that almost had me choke... "Daddy, are you still my dad? Why don't you stay with us anymore?"

How do I respond to this... one of the first things that went through my mind was that letter her lawyers sent stating I should not discuss the divorce with the kids or they will take legal action... STUFF that, they deserve to know...

But he is 4, where is that "how to" manual when you need it? My 13 year old anxiously looked over at me with a look of nervous fear all rolled into one… All I could say was that I can’t stay there anymore but that I do want to be with them all the time. I do love them a lot and I will always love them and will always be their father…

The ice was quickly broken when he promptly responded… “Oh, if you leave Granny’s house; staying with my mom again; she will be sad hey, maybe you should stay and look after her”

I did not know if I should laugh or cry! It is amazing how as adults we tend to warp the innocence of our children by our mistakes… I am pledging to remain honest with them no matter how difficult and will be living my life as an example of integrity for them. I love you boys, always will, no-one will change that!

Xmas came early!!!

I got an unexpected surprise yesterday when I called to chat to my boys; the STBX said the kids could spend the afternoon with me.... YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH

I have been missing them especially now with this time of year being so family orientated. Further adding to my early Xmas gift is my eldest son, who at 13 years old has a promising future at cricketer, was recently coached by a previous national player. Basically the comments that came were, if he keeps this up, you will be watching him play for his country in the 2015 Cricket World Cup.... WOW. I am so proud of him as many 13 year olds that was being scrutinised the way he was would have buckled under the pressure... my boy stood up and was counted.

This all reminds me how lucky I am for so many different reasons... I have 3 wonderful boys; I have been blessed with some wonderful people who have become a reliable support centre for me. My family; mother & brothers; have been so understanding and supportive, it’s kinda difficult to stay down and out...

I thank the Lord for all that I have been blessed with and as difficult as it is to be apart from my boys, I know that they love me and will always be my boys... should I be granted custody or not and at the risk of sounding like Sister Sledge... WE ARE FAMILY