We are not alone...

Been on various forums where divorce is the topic of conversation and the more I read these bits and pieces of people’s lives, one can’t help but see a familiar pattern brewing.

There is this anger period, you feel so much anger that you tend to take it out on those who actually care about you. Then you start to think what was wrong with me, what have I done to deserve this, was I not good enough? You think of the years you’ve “wasted" with this “life partner”. Then you start to let go of the anger and you start to realise you not totally responsible for things going wrong. You have a court case in between; you have confused children who don’t understand why their mommy and daddy don’t live in the same house anymore.

Then you start to see, in time, that you’ve been given a second chance in life. You can start over. Even though it’s not easy, you are lucky to be given this new slate in your life.

There is happiness after divorce. There is a new life to be lived.

I have grown so much due to this experience that I’ve endured. It’s been tough, but it has made me tougher! I hope that everyone will learn from their experiences and that they too will become tougher and appreciate this opportunity of a new life!

What a question posed

So yesterday I had my boys with me for 3 hours and it was great to be with them.

I decided to take them for some ice-cream, during the drive there; my 4 year old son nearly knocked me out with those innocent, hard driving questions that almost had me choke... "Daddy, are you still my dad? Why don't you stay with us anymore?"

How do I respond to this... one of the first things that went through my mind was that letter her lawyers sent stating I should not discuss the divorce with the kids or they will take legal action... STUFF that, they deserve to know...

But he is 4, where is that "how to" manual when you need it? My 13 year old anxiously looked over at me with a look of nervous fear all rolled into one… All I could say was that I can’t stay there anymore but that I do want to be with them all the time. I do love them a lot and I will always love them and will always be their father…

The ice was quickly broken when he promptly responded… “Oh, if you leave Granny’s house; staying with my mom again; she will be sad hey, maybe you should stay and look after her”

I did not know if I should laugh or cry! It is amazing how as adults we tend to warp the innocence of our children by our mistakes… I am pledging to remain honest with them no matter how difficult and will be living my life as an example of integrity for them. I love you boys, always will, no-one will change that!

Xmas came early!!!

I got an unexpected surprise yesterday when I called to chat to my boys; the STBX said the kids could spend the afternoon with me.... YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH

I have been missing them especially now with this time of year being so family orientated. Further adding to my early Xmas gift is my eldest son, who at 13 years old has a promising future at cricketer, was recently coached by a previous national player. Basically the comments that came were, if he keeps this up, you will be watching him play for his country in the 2015 Cricket World Cup.... WOW. I am so proud of him as many 13 year olds that was being scrutinised the way he was would have buckled under the pressure... my boy stood up and was counted.

This all reminds me how lucky I am for so many different reasons... I have 3 wonderful boys; I have been blessed with some wonderful people who have become a reliable support centre for me. My family; mother & brothers; have been so understanding and supportive, it’s kinda difficult to stay down and out...

I thank the Lord for all that I have been blessed with and as difficult as it is to be apart from my boys, I know that they love me and will always be my boys... should I be granted custody or not and at the risk of sounding like Sister Sledge... WE ARE FAMILY

There is Life after Divorce. - Extract from a blog I found I thought I would share

There is Life after Divorce. It’s a different life but it is life. You have two options become bitter and twisted and bore your family and friends, or take the greatest revenge of all – get happy, get out there and get a life. Its what I’m doing, its what thousands of men & women have done and its what you must do if you want to move forward to the next big romance in your life. Is your heart hurting? Of course it is. But to heal your heart you need to free yourself of thoughts that stop you moving forward and think fabulous thoughts that fast forward you to future that’s bright. Tall order, yes, but the alternative is really not attractive. I’m trying tried and tested tips to share with you to help you get over it and get on with your life.

Who are you now?

You may have been together for many years and got your identity tied up with this person. It’s now time to rediscover who you are at this point in your life. What do you want from your life going into the future? What do you want to achieve? What kind of life do you want to live? How do you want to bring up your children? What new choices do you want to make. You may have lost of a sense of your true self, but you are still there. Now’s the time to find out about you and what you want and plan a life that works for you and your family.

Bringing up the Kids

It may well be that you have to work and bring up your kids without much support. Make life as easy as possible for yourself. Get the kids (if they are old enough) to take on responsibilities explaining how much it will help you and them too if everyone pulls together. Offer massive praise for jobs well done and give loads of love even when you are dog-tired. It pays huge dividends in their behaviour, their schoolwork and their adjustment to their new lives. Don’t bad mouth your ex! It’s so hard not too, but ask yourself “for whose benefit am I saying these things”? I think you’ll find its just so you can vent your frustrations. Do your kids really benefit from hearing it though? Be vigilant and if you can’t say anything redeeming say nothing at all.

Taking Care of you

Make sure you take good care of you – you are all you have right now. Good food, exercise, fresh air and sleep is more important than ever. Do what it takes to arrange times for yourself. Pull in favours. Help others when you can and store up your own favours for when you need them. Never say no to offers of support – you need all you can get. However don’t spill yourself all over others. Keep your counsel and your pride. This is your business not a dinner party conversation or after school gossip for others who have nothing better to do.

Above all, never give up on Love. You have loads left to give, and there is definitely that special some one out there just ready to appear when the time is right. Have some fun, have some patience and do whatever you can to enjoy yourself. Take a holiday with the kids even if it’s in a caravan. This is just a phase in your life that will pass and your hurt will heal. Hold on to you and your family and you’ll get through it together.

What a weekend

My Little one has chicken pox and as such is covered head to toe with spots. But the greatest of all is that he stayed so jovial.

I have been abit anxuious as I finally haee a court date for the rule 43 and had to remind myself to enjoy the time with my kids and what a time we had. Given I only see them for 3 hours a day, I am proud of the fact that I could spend time with them together, and 1 to 1 which was really great.

I really got the opportunity to bond with the 4 year old for the first time in a while and he revealed to me how he misses me and also said that "mommy cries alot" That statement on its own was abit of a shocker as she traditionally does not show emotion.

I am tempted to feel sorry for her but also realise that this is the bed that she made and as such, has to lie in it. When her infedelities came to light, I tried making it work between us and she chose to continue on her path as it was.

I am sadened by the heartache we are both suffering but right now I have to do what I feel is best for my children. I am closing the chapter of my life called my marriage to the STBX and starting on a new journey. I need to do what is best for me, and ultimately what is best for me will be best for my children.

It is not easy to not have them around over this period, but I also have to remember that my "family" life is not going to be "normal" ever again, even if someone new comes into my life. K will always be there and I have to learn how to deal with that.

I can honestly say that I have forgiven her for the transgressions, I do not condone it, but I have forgiven her. I sincerley hope that she finds whatever it is she is looking for and needs.

Everyone at some point will suffer a loss ~ the loss of loved ones, good health, a job. It's your desert experience - a time of feeling barren of options, even hope. The important thing is not to allow yourself to be stranded in the desert. - Patrick Del Zoppo, psychologist

I am reminded...

So, we are coming to the end of the year…

Loads of holidays coming up, festivities and so one and traditionally a time spent with family. I am saddened that I am in the situation I am in, but also realise that I cannot change it.

I am also extremely frustrated by the fact that not much is going to be happening about the divorce until at least the end of January 2009. These frustrations make it extremely easy to slip into a depressed state. On Friday, I saw T again, and again, I am so blessed to have both T & Z in my life as support. Divorce is an extremely stressful and emotional time and again, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of have a really good support structure in place for yourself.

I am learning that divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere in our ability to function in our every day lives. The biggest favour you can do yourself is to learn how to relax, let go of the stress and just let the "chips fall." Focus more on keeping yourself active, healthy and moving forward instead of staying stuck.

What has been working for me is:
• Pay attention to your emotional needs
• Keep yourself physically fit. Stay as active as possible by keeping a regular exercise routine. Nothing helps our emotions bounce back better than physical activity. It will help in relieving tense, anger and anxiety.
• Nurture you emotionally and physically. Read a good book, get plenty of rest, take a hot bath, develop a new hobby, eat healthy and nutritious foods, and surround yourself with positive people. Put effort into living a lifestyle that will promote feelings of good self-worth.
• Let go of problems that are beyond your control. If you are faced with an uncomfortable or painful situation learn to let it go, take some time to figure out what is best for you and then come back to it. Stay focused on what you have control over and let go of the rest.
• Give yourself permission to feel. Emotions are normal, whether they are negative or positive emotions. What we do with the emotions we are feeling plays a big role in the quality of life we experience. Avoid destructive activities such as drinking or drugs when trying to deal with your feelings. Don't allow your feelings to cause you to seek revenge, play the victim or become abusive. If you are hurt or angry, it is best to find someone safe to vent to and get those feelings out.
• Don't make any hasty decisions. When you are living through a highly stressful situation any decisions or changes to your life should not be made until you have thought of all the consequences. Take time to think things through and thoroughly weigh all your options.
• Be sure to make time for fun. Remember to laugh and play. Maintain a close circle of friends and socialize often. Do not isolate yourself from others.
• Let go and move on. Take the time needed to heal from the divorce and those feelings of loss. Try to look inward and own your responsibility in the problems that led to divorce. Forgive yourself and your spouse and don’t let the issues from this marriage follow you into new relationships.

Yeah, instinctively it is easier said than done and I promise that these steps can become a religion to you, but the wheels will still fall off every once in a while, guess why? WE ARE HUMAN AFTER ALL! Hey, with all of my positive thinking I have my bad days too… that is why it is important to pay attention to your emotion…

When you don't feel like doing what you know you must, that's the best time to go ahead and do it anyway. That's when you can break through your old habitual patterns to a new level of focus, performance and achievement.
That first step will require you to go against your natural tendency to put it off until later and to stay comfortably where you are. So how do you get beyond that?
Many times you have successfully avoided action by telling yourself why you can't or why you won't. Now, choose to use that same power to tell yourself why you can and why you will. You control the awesome power of your thoughts. And with your thoughts you can successfully visualize yourself into action every time.

The Last week in a nutshell

Last week was an extreme low for me. I missed my children so much, been crying myself to sleep, and missing putting them to bed, bathing them, all that sort of thing.

Found that I could not sleep much, would dream of them calling for me and I’d wake up and poof, no sleep for the rest of the night.

The Soon To Be X (STBX) has also had a really shitty attitude. Her arrogance has become disgusting. Friday when I called to speak to my boys; keep in mind she stipulated when I could call, she was out with them and refused to tell me (she always needs to know where I’m going and wants to drop on a bunch of rules); all I could here was this barking puppy in the background. Do you think I can compete to a 4 & 2 year olds attention over the telephone with a puppy in the background…. HELL NO!!!!

I tried speaking to her asking when I could call to have their undivided attention and I got a I can’t hear you… so I speak up, I get you obviously upset, call me when you feeling better…. Uuuurrrgggghhhh she could here me just fine….

I also got a letter stating that she would take legal action if I do not stop speaking to our eldest about the divorce…. Here is the thing,

When we went to an Imaam to initiate the divorce proceedings according to Islamic Law, she brought the kids with her… don’t ask me why… when we left their our eldest left with me. He asked what that was about and I explained to him. He asked me about Mr X, Mr Y, Mr Z and I told him. I have always told her that I will not lie to the children to cover up for her. Our eldest son is 13 years old… he is not a dummy… he also has a right to know. Hey, I was one of those kids who blamed myself for my parents divorce… I’m not gonna have him grow up thinking that.

Anyways, a whole lot of negative energies last week had me in a real downer… I took some time out… reflecting gets easier the more you do it…. And looked at what was in my control vs. out of my control. I started dealing with things in my control and immediately started feeling better. The weekend with my kids was awesome. I really enjoyed them and by there laughter so did they.

I also realised that I was giving her power every time I let her little games get to me and I just told myself NO MORE!!!! I am taking back my power!!!!

Things have been good since Friday evening. I am focused again, enjoyed the kids and the negative vibes of this week, have just been vibes… they not getting the better of me.

It is not always easy staying positive and focused, we are human and as I have said before, we have these things called emotions. Some days are good, others bad… what will make us great, is how we deal with those bad days.

Be strong, deal with those in your control… get alternative solutions for those out of your control… the rest becomes easy

I'm in a downer again today :-(

I miss my kids so much and I am angry about the fact that the X is so cruel by limiting my access tomy children the way she does.

I'm not informed about Dr's visits, I see my kids for 3 hours a day twice a week. Her arrogance about the whole situation is sickening. Sometimes I wonder if it is arrogance or just a lack of understanding the impact her actions have.

She is dragging this divorce out, it is something she wanted, and now it seems as though she doesn't. One day she is nice to me, the next a total bitch!!!!!uuuuurrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

The last couple of days have been extremely difficult emotionally. I miss my kids, I love them so much, I miss being there to hold them when they wake up because of a nightmare. I miss picking them up off the floor in the middle of the night because they fell out of bed... bathing them, cleaning up the vomit after they have been ill...

I'm starting to feel the anger build up, and I am considering retaliation. No, not thinking of becoming violent... but she wants to play nasty, do I stoop to that level...

There is so much I can play nasty on, but it is not really in my nature...

All I want for XMAS is this whole circus to be finished and have my kids with me.

Staying positive is so much hard work and yeah I guess, the fruits of a struggle is ultimate joy... dammit, this struggle is going on for more than a year now...

OK, so, what can I do.... how do I stay focussed.... guess Dory (Finding Nemo) said it best... "Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming"

Life as a single dad

I came across this article and thought I would share it with you...

Life as a single dad
Growing numbers of men are rearing their children alone.

By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

Garrett Allen never expected to be a single father. But four years ago, when his wife died, leaving him with an 18-month-old son, he joined the ranks of millions of American men who are parenting solo, by choice or circumstance.
These fathers - who are rearing 3.3 million children - often feel alone, and as a group they are largely invisible. But as their numbers grow, they are beginning to change the social landscape and are learning many of the same lessons that single mothers learn.
"I had no clue as to how to raise a child," recalls Mr. Allen, a public relations executive in Ardmore, Pa. "My wife was a stay-at-home mom. As a guy, I was more focused on going to work to support us. Having to run everything - working, taking care of a child, doing the cleaning and laundry, and preparing the meals - was hard."
Men now account for 1 of every 6 single parents, up from 1 in 10 in 1970. The growing ranks of custodial fathers also re- flect changing attitudes in courts. Judges who once routinely assumed that the mother was the better parent are more willing to consider fathers.
"In the old days, it used to be that women had to be significantly incapacitated to turn over custody to their husbands," says Geoffrey Greif, associate dean of the University of Maryland School of Social Work, who, like others in this story, was interviewed by telephone.
But in recent years, society has placed less emphasis on the idea that women are defined by motherhood. This changing attitude has given women the flexibility to make more nontraditional choices.
"In the last 15 years," says Dr. Greif, "women who are highly competent sometimes [have agreed] that it is in the best interest of the child to have the child live with the father."
In other cases, a father may win custody if the mother has a drug or alcohol problem.
Whatever the reason for their full-time parental role - widowhood, divorce, or unwed parenthood - single fathers face subtle public attitudes. "They must deal with the stereotype that the true connection is between mothers and their children," says Elise Edelson Katch, a Denver therapist who conducts custody evaluations.
And where, she asks, does a single father find role models? "Can he pick up the telephone and call a friend to ask about bottle feeding or toilet training? This is something women do automatically."
Like single mothers, single fathers confront the challenge of balancing work and family responsibilities. But the professional world, Ms. Katch observes, can sometimes be harder on men who spend more time with their children than it is on women.
For Allen, whose son, Britton, was only a toddler when Allen's wife died, the initial solution was to move in with his mother. She shares in Britton's care and has helped Allen hone domestic skills.
At work, Allen's boss has allowed him to adjust his hours modestly so he can pick up Britton at day care by 6 p.m. The company also gave him a laptop so he can work at home if school is closed or his son is sick.
While some of his friends are supportive, others barely register that he has responsibilities at home - such as keeping up with laundry and cleaning on weekday evenings so he and his son can go to the zoo or toss a baseball on Saturdays.
Now that Britton is 5, Allen is house-hunting, eager to establish a home for the two of them.
"It's going to be a tremendous amount of additional work," he says. With his mother no longer part of the household, "there won't be an extra pair of hands. But I think it'll be a positive experience, where I'm not looking to someone else to help provide what we need."

MAINTAINING NORMALCY

Another widower rearing children alone is Rob White of Bethel Park, Pa. A year ago next week, his wife of 17 years, Jeannie, died after a brief illness. Now he and their 15-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter are forging a new life together.
From the beginning, Mr. White's concern has been to maintain as normal a schedule as possible for the children, so they can continue with football, cheerleading, and dance lessons. He is changing jobs to be closer to home and to shorten the 12-hour workdays he often logs as a sales representative for Acura.
"You do what you have to do," White says simply. Describing other victories, he adds, "I made all the parent-teacher conferences and the [school] open house."
One subject on White's mind these days is discipline. Since his wife's death, he has been lenient with the children. Now he is trying to give them more responsibility and structure by tightening rules somewhat.
Last week, the Whites welcomed a black-and-white husky into the family. The children are naming him Skynyrd after the rock group Lynyrd Skynyrd.
As White reflects on the challenges and changes of the past year, he says quietly, "I try to be close to the children. I want to be there for them for everything. I have a lot more respect for what my wife did. It's hard."
In some cases of divorce, custody may start out in a traditional way, with children living with their mother. Then, over time, those arrangements may evolve as family dynamics and needs change. As children get older, some decide they want to spend more time with their father. Or the mother may be making a career change and think the children will be better off with their dad, says Greif, author of "The Daddy Track: The Single Father."
In other situations, court- approved custody changes might occur when a father or a mother forms a new relationship and children feel more comfortable living with the other parent. "The father may be involved with someone who is nice, or the mother may be involved with someone the children don't like," Greif says. A custody decision can even be school-based: The father might live in a better school district.
When Neil Judell of Newtonville, Mass., and his wife divorced last August, the court awarded him custody of their children. Their older son lives on his own, while their 17-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter live with him.
Before the divorce, he owned a small engineering company. Realizing that as a custodial father he would no longer be able to make business trips abroad one week a month, Mr. Judell gave up his company and took a position with an engineering firm at a much lower salary. He also pays alimony. Because of the cost of maintaining two households, he and the children now occupy a rented duplex about one-third the size of the house they formerly owned.
During his daughter's soccer season, Judell takes a fair amount of good-natured teasing from some friends about being a "soccer mom" and driving a minivan. At the same time, others are quick to acknowledge the role he is playing.
Ask Judell what he needs and he replies, "There's very little I could want for." Then, reflecting for a moment, he adds, "It would be nice to have a helping hand with the kids once in a while; [someone] to take them for a weekend. And it would be nice if I had someone to back up my messages to my teenage son."
For Calvin Gladden, the father of a 13-year-old son, Kyle, and a 15-year-old daughter, Aleesha, other needs loomed large when he became a single parent 11 years ago after his marriage ended in divorce. His children were just 2 and 4 when he was granted custody.
Mr. Gladden, of Randallstown, Md., remembers the strain of racing out of work at 5 p.m. at his previous job and "driving like a madman" to pick them up at their separate day-care centers by 6 to avoid fines for being late. He later changed jobs to be closer to home. He now works as director of business at Goucher College in Baltimore.
Because Gladden grew up in a single-parent family, he was determined not to repeat the pattern of his absent father. "I didn't want to be a parent like my father. I wanted to be a parent like my mother, to be supportive of my kids."
As a result, he says, "I do everything in my power to try to provide them with the best home possible. Sometimes these days, children don't really appreciate that. But you hope that as they mature, despite all the challenges, they will say that the discipline I've imparted was in their best interest."
He is pleased that his children are well adjusted and doing fairly well in school.
Still, Gladden emphasizes that solo child-rearing is not easy. "You have this vision of a two-parent household. When it doesn't happen, it's crushing. But you have a choice, either to lie down or get back up."
While some solo fathers, such as Judell, worry about teenagers who test limits, others wonder how to talk to preadolescent daughters about approaching puberty. But as they strive to make the best of a sometimes difficult situation, many are finding rewards.
"Getting divorced wasn't good for me, and it's not good for children ever," says Jay Portnow, a physician in Norwell, Mass., and the custodial father of two sons. "But having the boys with me has been a blessing."

NEEDED: HELPING HANDS

What eases the load for these men?
Like single mothers, they long for outside help. Gladden echoes the comments of other custodial fathers when he says, "It took a lot of support from my family, my friends, and my neighbors to help me. I certainly didn't do it all on my own."
Having an understanding employer also could make a difference. Michael Weller of Bettsville, Ohio, recently decided not to re-enlist in the Marine Corps, where he was a corporal, because his military schedule was too difficult for him with a 2-year-old son to care for alone after his divorce.
"If people understood better, that would be a really big help," he says. "You walk into the Marine Corps, or any organization, and try to explain to them, 'I have to be out of here at this time,' or 'I can't work on the weekend.' They look at you like you asked for a million dollars. It doesn't happen."
Schools, too, sometimes lack sensitivity. Only after repeated calls to the principal did Dr. Portnow convince his children's junior high school teachers to send notes to both parents, not just to his ex-wife.
Even something as basic as learning culinary skills can improve family life.
At the time of his divorce, Portnow did not know how to cook. After taking several classes, he went from serving hot dogs and hamburgers every night to making home-cooked dinners. Now cooking is one of his favorite pastimes.
The biggest hurdle may be the most invisible - cultural bias. However logical a father's reason for wanting custody, Greif says, "There's still the perception that there is something wrong with a mother if she is not raising her children, and something extraordinary about a father who does."
But as more fathers gain custody and rear children successfully, he adds, "the less the role will have to be worn as a mantle."

Frustrations building up again today…

So last week when I called to speak to my boys, my 4 year old says he went to the Dr. When I asked the X about this, she denied it and said she was the one that went to the Dr. Over the weekend when putting the little ones into her car, I saw an invoice for this Dr. I did some detective work and it turns out that yes she saw the Dr, but so to were the kids.

Further investigating revealed that my eldest has been seeing a Psychologist again. Now I do not have a problem with him seeing the Psychologist or any Dr, I do have a problem with the fact that she is keeping such information from me. I have a right to know

In terms of interim maintenance, more than half of my salary goes to them and her claim to this is that I am their father and it is my responsibility. My responsibility when it suites her?????

Why does she need to lie to me? It seems more and more that she has a phobia of the truth and gives me even more reason not to trust her. I realise that no matter what happened between us, we are apart of each others lives for as long as those boys are arond and as such, need to have some sort of civil relationship, however, what she says cannot be trusted…

I guess all I can do for now is communicate with her via the lawyers, keep record of all responses. I also guess that each time she pulls a stunt as she has re-enforces the reasons why we were not meant to be.

I don’t regret out marriage, if it were not for that, I would not have these three beautiful boys… so for that I will still thank her, but trust her, never ever again.

IF you reading this X, save yourself, me and the boys a whole lot of heartache. Be truthful to yourself when answering this question... If our roles were reversed adn I did the things you have done and currently doing, would you be comfortable having me raise our children? Will you be comfortable with me being their role model? Would you feel that our children is safe with me?...

“With lies you may go ahead in the world - but you can never go back”


"Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them."
(Brock Clarke, An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England, 2007)

Dream and do

There's a time to dream, without effort or constraint. And there's a
time to do the work that will bring those dreams to life in the real
world.

Visualize your ideal life. In your thoughts, experience that life in
rich detail through all of your senses.

Dream big, rich empowering dreams that resonate with your very core.
Explore joyful and creative ways to express your own unique purpose.

Then get busy and make the dreams happen. Allow them to drive you, to
push you forward.

Feel the excitement and the sense of accomplishment as your very own
efforts bring about the fulfillment of your dreams, step by step. Grow
stronger, more capable, more experienced as you work your way through
each challenge.

Set yourself free to dream, and then discipline yourself to do the
dream. Be the dream and be the achievement of the dream that is uniquely
yours.

-- Ralph Marston

It Sucks to be human...

Emotion, wish it came with a switch!!!!

I had such a good time with my boys this weekend and am just reminded about how much I miss them.

Part of the weekend entailed spending time with the X around. My eldest had his last cricket game of the year and big surprise, she came to watch. On Sunday was the year end presentation and I let a tear out of sheer pride as my boy received an award for bowler of the year. I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished.

Again she was at the presentation and I am not suggesting that she shouldn’t be there, but it is so difficult to remain “unperturbed” by her. Yes, I get that I am allowing her presence to get to me, but if I had a switch for that thing called emotion, this would be so much easier.

I am finding it difficult to be in the same vicinity as she is… I guess I am still angry for what she has done… not just to me, but our family… I found myself wondering lately that could we try again and I start wondering… Then as all of these things play through my mind, I am reminded about the lies, betrayal and hurt… there is absolutely no way that I can trust her again…

Yes, trusting someone is a choice, but my question is how do you trust someone that has repeatedly lied and hurt you?

No ways can I ever be with her… someone please turn off the emotion … I do not love her any longer but I do still care for her even though I can’t stand being around her… gees this is crazy.

I find myself getting angry thinking about the divorce and this custody “battle”. If the rolls were reversed, I was her and she was me… being a man and doing the things she did, at the drop of a dime, she would have custody of the kids… currently, this country we live in is in the middle of an awareness campaign raising awareness of abuse against woman and children… what about us men… in this day and age, men are just as abused, maybe not always physically, but emotionally as well. Far too often, society is quick to blame us men as the big bad wolf… it is a man’s fault if a divorce is on the cards, it is a man that abuses his spouse and the kids…. News flash people, women are just as guilty. Did you know….Half of spousal murders is committed by wives?

Further reading visit http://www.sheridanhill.com/batteredmen.html

People, times are a changing.


I know that in my 2 previous posts, I advocated looking at things in your control vs. out of your control; I would just like to be the first to acknowledge that it is a lot easier said than done.

The fact remains, we are human and emotion can play havoc on you. I guess the trick is to use that emotion and channel it positively. Sometimes, finding the positive is not always easy, but I have found that the more you do it, the easier it becomes…

What positives do I take out of the weekend past... well, my babies crying for me throws out her pervious accusations that they are afraid of me…that one little positive does bring a smile to my face.

Just imagine you're four years old, and someone makes the following proposal: If you'll wait until after he runs an errand, you can have two marshmallows for a treat. If you can't wait until then, you can have only one--but you can have it right now. It is a challenge sure to try the soul of any four-year-old, a microcosm of the eternal battle between impulse and restraint, id and ego, desire and self-control, gratification and delay... There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, led to one or another impulse to act.

All of a sudden I am trying not to get angry...

Often I get the excuse about getting extra time with the kids as I do not want to disrupt their routine... however, when the boys routine is disruptive to her, it makes no difference.

Tried calling the boys tonight and their is no answer... eventually I tried calling her mobile and guess what, at 7 in the eve she is out shopping with the boys. on week night... disrupting their routine. She drops them off at my place in the middle of their afternoon nap time, they need to sleep, don't mess with their routine.

Yes, this may seem petty but as my previous entry stated, I see them for three hours... I not to disrupt routine... can't get extra time because of routine... thi spisses me off because often she chucks the very routine out the window because her needs are different.....


UUUUUUURRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, feel better now... for now, its not in my control....

Woman out their, no not saying it is all of you, and I guess it applies to men to... using kids to get to your previously significant other does more harm to the kids than the person you intending to hurt

Almost Weekend - Yeah!!!!!!!!!!

Been counting down the days and almost time to see my kids again. I miss them so much and I guess that I am also feeling insecure in that I am not spending that much time with them as I would like. I only get to see them for 3 hours twice a week.

When my 4 year old son was 5 months old, I was involved in an accident, busted leg and both arms were broken. He and I had such a close bond I would never had thought it possible. However, with all sorts of contraptions coming out of my arms, I was not able to hold him for over three months.

It took a while to regain that bond, and now I see him so little, it really hurts. However, I have to look at dealing with the issues that are in my control and currently, I only see them the times that I do.

I've been worrying alot lately about things... the divorce is dragging out, the X and her legal team are virtually none responsive to our requests... my relationship with my kids, feels like we are drifting...going out of my mind here.

I have decided though that most of what I am worrying about is out of my control. Yes, I would love to be with my children more often, however right now circumstances do not allow. What is in my control is the times that they are with me... so come this weekend, when they are with me, nothing else will matter; the only purpose would be me and them.

I guess what I am getting at is, when times are difficult, focus on the things that are within your control... slowly but surely, everything else will start to make sense.

Found This Forum Posting

On one of the Divorce Forums I frequent... sounds like frequenting a club :-)... I came across this posting by one called Grant. Grant has given me the ok to use his posting on this blog, so kudos to you bud, thanks. Hope you find it as inspiring as I did. Enjoy it

Subject: I say...
Posted by: Grant
Message:
People sometimes ask me, why do bad things happen to good people?

Firstly it depends on WHY you consider bad things to be bad. Did you not know that if you overcome what you perceive as bad it will make you stronger?

Example, you walk across the street, a car hits you. Before you know it you are in the hospital. You survive and beyond all you are happy to be. So let me ask you next time you cross the road you will look veeeery carefully before crossing... right? Indeed, why? you have learned.

Such is ALL things in life. Ok pushing forward. You are sitting there thinking about ALL the reasons and it continues for days on end. Yet at that very moment if you where out and about you might have bumped into the person you always wanted.

People, life is not going to knock on your door, you have to go out and knock on the door of life.

Most people are confused about the word LIFE or the meaning thereof. Yet I will tell you the truth, life is what you make of it.

I say let the past take care of itself

I say do not worry, because it will keep you in fear

I say do not fear, for there is nothing to fear

I say you are unique, see that and be that.

I say love everyone, for you will find happiness

I say forgive, for there in lies grace

I say be compassionate, for in return you will find love

I say be at peace, for then you will find freedom

I say just BE, if you can do this you will KNOW that no one else is like you. CREATE whatever you want. You are a magnificent creator and you can design what you want. You are true architect of your life. Only you, no one else.

Looks like she was right, Google is your friend :-)

I’ve been to an online forum and someone suggested I Google - McCall v McCall case.

I found some seriously useful bits of information in here as this particularly outlines what is the best interest of the children and has me feeling confident about my reasons for wanting custody.

As it was pointed out on this forum, the case cannot be based on her infidelities, but rather, and an always overriding, is it in the best interest of the children.

The links are listed below:

Friday Newsletter Issue 18*
File Format: Microsoft Word - View as HTML
In the case of AD and Another v DW and Others 4 the Court had to look at the best interest of a baby girl who was ... 1 McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (c) ...
www.childlawsa.com/docs/lab/issue%2019%20best%20interests.doc - Similar pages

The Centre for Child Law
Townsend-Turner and Another v Morrow 2004 (2) SA 32 (C) View ... McCall v McCall 1994 (3) SA 201 (C) – also see best interest View; B v M 2006 (9) BCLR 1034 ...
www.childlawsa.com/family.html - 28k - Cached - Similar pages
More results from www.childlawsa.com »

Below I have also copied an article I found also rather informative. It discusses challenges/ prejudices fathers face in wanting to be more involved in the children’s lives. It does look like the road ahead is going to be long, hard and challenging. It is therefore important to keep the ultimate goal in mind… I am doing this for my children’s wellbeing. Often, when things become difficult, it is easy to end up questioning yourself, your motives, your abilities… for this reason, I am grateful for my support structures… Thank you all …


No 27
Child, Youth, Family and Social Development
Human Sciences Research Council
November 2006
The Fatherhood Project
NEWSLETTER
HSRC
Father's rights of access to
children
Although it has been documented that some fathers are
absent in the lives of their children as a result of
abandonment, there are still some fathers out there who
really want to be with their children and care for them.
However, a number of them have been alienated from
their children not out of their own choice, but as a
result of painful custody battles in a judicial system
that seems to favour the mother of the children.
In this issue we look at the struggles of fathers who
want to be with their children and discuss tips for
fathers seeking physical custody of their children.
Fathers don’t stand a chance:
experiences of custody, access
and maintenance by Grace Khunou
‘Fathers are not interested in their children especially
when they do not marry their mothers.’ This is the kind
of statement one hears in the corridors of the
maintenance courts, in taxis and in general
conversation between men and women in the streets of
Johannesburg.
It may come as a surprise, but many fathers – divorced,
unmarried, and single – love their children and want to
spend as much time as possible with them.
Unfortunately, courts and law enforcers often overlook
this and treat fathers simply as providers of financial
support and discipline.
A particular conception of father – as a provider – has
influenced the direction of social policy on families.
Ideas about fatherhood have changed in the last 30
years and, particularly in the developed world, the
engagement of fathers with young children has been
encouraged. Fathers in many parts of the world are no
longer seen only as providers. The affective side of
fathering has become much more important, especially
for middle-class fathers for whom the challenge of
financial provision is not acute.
In spite of this, the law has not kept up with the
fatherhood revolution. The conception of fatherhood
in South Africa and other southern African countries
was strongly, but not exclusively, influenced by the
British legal system. Roman-Dutch and English
common law have both left their mark although, in
South Africa, customary law has also played a role.
Legally fathers have long stood in a dominant position
with regard to their families and their legitimate
children, in particular. According to both British and
customary law, custody arrangements later came to
favour the mother. However, with the introduction of
the child welfare principle in the late 1800s, came the
legal demand for fathers to pay maintenance, which
was argued to be based on structural economic
inequalities. Maintenance payment was not directly
linked to the question of the father’s access to his
children and this was negotiated at the time of divorce
through courts.
While the media frequently highlight the shortcomings
of fathers in meeting maintenance payments and in
retaining links with their children, the fathers in this
study expressed acute frustration concerning the
obstacles placed in their way by their ex-partners and
by the legal processes.
The fathers interviewed have all attempted to gain
increased access to their children. This has in some
cases involved litigation, which most have experienced
as stressful and painful process that has damaged their
relationships with their ex-partners. But this is one of
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
the strategies that the fathers have been forced to adopt
in order to gain access to their children.
Eric, one of the fathers who was accused of abusing his
daughter, went through a long process of investigation
to finally get access. The procedure included the
intervention of psychologists, judges, social workers
and it took place over a long period of time. What was
common with this case and with the experience of
litigation more generally, is the assumption that fathers
are irresponsible and uncaring unless they prove the
opposite. Eric had this to say:
And the accusations, I mean they were rubbish. You
know there is no come back on her, it ‘s only me that
can go to jail if I do something wrong, but she can just
accuse, accuse, accuse, with no truth. And nothing
happens to her. Nothing! And it costs me money, time
and pain to go to the lawyers, to write a letter, to
defend myself against the lying. Not for her to prove
that I’m guilty. She can just say any rubbish she wants
to and people believe it.
Almost all of the men I interviewed argued that they do
not stand a chance because women are never suspected
of lying and are given the benefit of the doubt. On the
other hand, the honesty of the fathers is always
questioned in a way that, over the long term,
undermines their confidence in their parenting
capacity. The general portrayal of men as abusive by
the media and society in general leaves most of these
fathers feeling unsure of themselves. George another
father, had this to say:
Now you know that, I know that, and every judge
knows that. Yet my attorneys said to me you dare lay
charges against her for assault or for anything else, let
it go, because if you do anything you will be seen to be
the aggressor and ultimately it would be used against
you. And I know that. It just happens time and time
again. We do not stand a chance. We do not. As a man,
as a father in this country you have no chance
whatsoever.
Family laws that take into account the capabilities and
interests of fathers should not be damaging to feminist
gains, yet there has been some resistance over the years
to including fathers in the lives of their children. In the
1980s, calling into question the credentials of fathers
was considered by some as contributing to the feminist
campaign against the patriarchal dominance of women.
Making allegations of sexual abuse and violence during
access and custody cases was this considered a
legitimate, politically inspired move. Bitter
maintenance disputes still feature in such allegations,
as well as male counter-allegations of mothers not
being fit to care for their children. Without exception,
such disputes have a detrimental effect on the
relationship between children and their fathers.
The fathers in this study were, for the most part, very
keen to have frequent contact with their children. They
did not see their obligation as fathers ending with
paying maintenance. Being a provider was only part of
their fatherhood role. They wanted to be integrally
involved in the upbringing of their children.
The experience of paying maintenance for a majority of
these fathers made them actually realize that they were
not an integral part of their children’s lives.
Fathers are unhappy to have their roles reduced to
birthday playmates for their children. Although all of
them agreed that they played with their children and
wanted to be with them on birthdays and special days,
this was not enough. They all felt it was important to
be involved more in their children’s daily lives and that
the access arrangements they had were making it
difficult.
Adapted from the book Baba: Men and Fatherhood in
South Africa.
Critical Success Factors for
Fathers Seeking Physical
Custody of Their Children
by Alan Swanson
The success factors that Alan Swanson listed below
can make all the difference in the world in a custody
dispute.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Choosing the right lawyer
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an
enormous role in helping me get physical custody of
my son. Never having done this before, but having
talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary
decision that drove my selection process: I must retain
a female attorney. I know that there are probably many
good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones
I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during
my attorney selection process that female family
attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the
nuances of family law and that they were much more
skilled at making a case for me to have custody.
Keeping complete records and documentation
I did not have a full-blown journal available at the time
I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have
mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries
(which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card
bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent
about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this
information into a chronological testimony of my
commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I
ended up creating a 50-page journal of information
within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort
and print based on several sets of criteria. When I
tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife
was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes,
school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove
to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the
number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon
(over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for
themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into
exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing
attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal
as “copious notes”.
Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations
Yes, it cost me a lot of money (approximately $2400)
and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist
can see right through you). But the effort is well worth
your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court
appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease
before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts
typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the
evaluators with regard to physical placement of
children.
Talking to Your Children's Neighbors on a Regular
Basis
If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some
no-good is going down in the home of your children) a
couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your
case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone
down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended
their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a
detective to investigate, but the most of the information
I obtained came when I asked a couple of the
neighbours about what they knew. I found out that
Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head
during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn’t
be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt
compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until
mom could pick him up. This information helped
greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and
the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the
level of instability and hostility my son was being
faced with in his home.
Being Actively Involved in Your Children's
Education
I had been to every school conference and planning
session held for Brandon. I had also made my own
notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits
with me, which I shared with his teachers. The real
break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to
retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come
into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide
him with some additional tutoring. This provided
several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe
his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got
this teacher to come to the modification hearing and
testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of
fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son
should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did
show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big,
big help.
Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case
My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the
six district court judges who presided over the family
courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations
each judge had in making decisions on child custody
cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one
particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky
enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure
how this is done, but it is probably a combination of
timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told
me, more often than not make custody decisions using
their own common sense and discretion, and then look
to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.
Jacob Ngunyi Wambugu The Fatherhood Project Coordinator, CYFSD HSRC
Postal Address: Private Bag X07, DALBRIDGE 4014, South Africa
Delivery Address: Intuthuko Junction, 750 Francois Road, Durban
Telephone: +27-31-242-5520 Fax: +27-31-242-5555
Email: jwambugu@hsrc.ac.za or abhana@hsrc.ac.za
Professor Arvin Bhana Project Leader: HSRC
Jenny Gordon
Never Lose Your Temper
I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was
able to get through this difficult period without losing
my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles
suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes
after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not
allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the
importance of not losing your temper cannot be over
emphasized. You do not want to have to have the
courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in
front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the
victim of the situation or circumstances.
Running Your Custody Action Without a Budget
If you seek custody of your children, I am sure that you
have good reasons for wanting to raise them yourself.
Why put their future developments at risk? Spend the
money to have those depositions, parental evaluations,
and other investigative work done. Your kids will
thank you for it as adults!
Compile a Photo Album for an Exhibit
I do not know for sure if doing this helped my case or
not (no mention of it is made in the final ruling), but I
did compile and submit into evidence a series of
photographs I took over the course of two years of
visitations with Brandon to show the quality of his
home life with me. I also took photographs of the
section-8 apartments and trailer homes that he had
lived in with his mother during the same period.
Video and Audio Evidence
Like something out of a cheap detective story, I bought
and wore a wire while I was in contact with my ex-wife
and Charles. When Charles confronted me about
calling in Child Protection Services, he was quite
verbally abusive to me, and Brandon was present. My
attorney used a transcript from the tape I made to
successfully demonstrate that Charles possessed a
hostile and uncaring disposition toward Brandon and
me. While the transcript was useful for this purpose,
the judge was not completely impressed with my
tactics. He noted this in his final ruling, implying that
he took all such evidence with a grain of salt since it
was very easy for the wire bearer to bait the other party
in to losing their temper while the tape was running. I
recommend wearing a wire anytime things are less then
friendly with you and your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend,
only to refute any accusation that you acted less than
calm around them. Just be sure to transcribe the tapes
or videos you plan to use, as most courts probably
won't listen or watch the originals due to time
constraints. For more information visit:
http://www.deltabravo.net/guide/
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa
by Dr. Steven Pretorius
Fathers-4-Justice South Africa is a member-based nonprofit-
organization whose mission is to educate the
South African public about the injustices inflicted on
children and parents (mostly fathers) by the current
family law system and about better ways of managing
the divorce-access-custody system through shared and
equal parenting. We advocate for shared parenting with
equal parenting rights and responsibilities.
We believe children have the right to and the need for
BOTH of their parents. We envision a social system
where the “custody battle” is the exception, not the
rule. We offer help and hope to children, fathers, and
their families. If you share this vision, join us.
Together, we will make it happen.
• If you are divorced or separated with little or
no access or contact with your children,
• If you are a child deprived of contact with a
parent,
• If you are an unmarried parent and your rights
are denied,
• If you are a grandparent denied meaningful
contact with your grandchildren as a result of
a bitter divorce,
• If you feel you’ve had an unfair deal as
regards your children in divorce proceedings,
• If you have received unprofessional help from
the experts,
• If you are being ignored by the authorities, or
• If you simply wish to support our stated aims
and ambitions,
Please join us and help us continue our fight for your
children. Dr. Steven Pretorius is the founder and
chairman of the Fathers-4-justice South Africa
Contact details: steven@f4j.co.za
www.f4j.co.za

An emotional low

So today is one of those days. I saw my kids last on Saturday, and yes, today is only Monday, but I miss them like crazy. I call them every evening to chat with them. My 2 ½ year old almost had me in tears… answered the phone singing me a nursery rhyme…. Barba barba black sheep have you any wool, yes sir, yes sir 3 bags full…

I miss them so badly and Saturday is such a long way off. Its times like today that I feel like pulling out my hair.

I had a long chat with the lawyer today. We were speaking about my frustrations, my worry about my children’s well-being. It does not appear that much more will be happening this year still as the courts are almost in recess for the year end. If we are extremely lucky, and God help me that we are, we can get at least 1 court hearing and the Phyc. evaluations can at least get under way. My eldest boy starts high school next year and I do not want to drag this divorce out any longer… starting high school is difficult enough… new school, new teachers, new pressures.

I am going to try and get some sleep now. That’s the other thing I have learnt, you need lots of rest. A tired mind is an irrational mind and God knows we need to stay rational.

I leave you with this saying I found today and it helped to keep me strong:


Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. ~Rabindranath Tagore

Information found, hope this helps

It is such a struggle to find reference material about a case such as mine. I have found several sites but often found it to be in another country or someone trying to make a buck of my situation.

I have however found some useful info, many of which I have already been doing, but also some new.

Some useful guidelines I found are (Source was from http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.php):

Choosing the Right Attorney
Believe it or not, this I feel this was decision played an enormous role in helping me get physical custody of my son. Never having done this before, but having talked to several family attorneys, I made one primary decision which drove my selection process: I must retain a female attorney. I know that there are probably many good male attorneys practicing family law, but the ones I talked to were not in this group. I discovered during my attorney selection process that female family attorneys inherently had a greater understanding of the nuances of family law and that they were much more skilled at making a case for me to have custody.

Keeping Complete Records and Documentation

I did not have a full blown journal available at the time I decided to pursue custody of my son. But I did have mass quantities of receipts, personal organizer entries (which denoted weekends I had visitations), credit card bills, cancelled checks, and other paper trails. I spent about a month's worth of evenings of organizing this information into a chronological testimony of my commitment to being a responsible parent to my son. I ended up creating a 50 page journal of information within a Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet that I could easily sort and print based on several sets of criteria. When I tallied up all of the money I spent on things my ex-wife was supposed to have provided (i.e. haircuts, clothes, school supplies, etc.) as well as all of the miles I drove to see Brandon (480 miles per weekend) and the number of days I opted to take visitation with Brandon (over 100 days per year), the numbers spoke for themselves. Needless to say, when we entered this into exhibit during the modification trial, the opposing attorney could do little but attempt to deride my journal as "copious notes".

Petitioning for Custodial / Parental Evaluations

Yes, it cost me a lot of money and the experience is humiliating (a good psychologist can see right through you). But the effort is well worth your time. Getting the nod of approval from our court appointed psychologist put my attorney at great ease before our trial. According to my attorney, the courts typically agree 90% of the time with the decision of the evaluators with regard to physical placement of children.

Further info regarding these evaluations can be found at http://www.apa.org/practice/childcustody.html

Talking to Your Children's Neighbours on a Regular Basis

If your situation is similar to mine (you suspect some no-good is going down in the home of your children) a couple of reliable eyewitnesses can really help your case. In my situation, I knew that something had gone down with Charles' kids when they abruptly ended their visit in the middle of the summer. I retained a detective to investigate, but the most of the information I obtained came when I asked a couple of the neighbors about what they knew. I found out that Charles had struck his oldest son in the side of the head during a heated argument after he claimed he couldn't be biologically related to Charles. The boy felt compelled to seek refuge with juvenile authorities until mom could pick him up. This information helped greatly during depositions, custodial evaluations, and the modification trial. It helped the courts to realize the level of instability and hostility my son was being faced with in his home.

Being Actively Involved in Your Children's Education

I had been to every school conference and planning session held for Brandon. I had also made my own notes about work I did with Brandon during his visits with me which I shared with his teachers. The real break came when my ex-wife agreed to allow me to retain one of Brandon's pre-school teachers to come into his home during the summer of 1996 to provide him with some additional tutoring. This provided several opportunities for an unbiased source to observe his miserable home life. I was surprised, I actually got this teacher to come to the modification hearing and testify on my behalf. I think she was motivated out of fear of Charles and her own convictions that my son should not be left in his care. Nonetheless, she did show up and testify for Brandon's sake. This was a big, big help.

Having the Right Judge Assigned to Your Case

My attorney had a very, very good feel for each of the six district court judges who presided over the family courts. She also knew what reasoning and motivations each judge had in making decisions on child custody cases like mine. My attorney told me that there was one particular judge that we wanted, and we were lucky enough to get him appointed to our case (I'm not sure how this is done, but it is probably a combination of timing and luck of the draw). Judges, my attorney told me, more often than not make custody decisions using their own common sense and discretion, and then look to the evidence and the law to back up their decision.

Never Losing Your Temper

I have pretty good control of my temper, and so I was able to get through this difficult period without losing my cool. The only time I came close was when Charles suggested that I pay for his smoking cessation classes after I asked my ex-wife for the millionth time to not allow him to smoke in front of Brandon. I think the importance of not losing your temper cannot be over emphasized. You do not want to have to have the courts and the judges hear about the times you lost it in front of your ex-wife or children, even if you were the victim of the situation or circumstances.



Some additional Sites found are:

• http://www.custodycenter.com/FATHERS-DEFEND-LP/index.html (This is a pay for material site – however some of the descriptions could be useful)
• http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1587-child-custody-websites.php - Child Custody Fact Site; the information is relevant to the US, but I am sure it could be of useful wherever you find yourself. Also, this page has a host of different links to sites with even more information.
• Fathers Seeking Custody Face Gender Bias Battles, if anything, it does offer hope:- http://childcustody.factexpert.com/1370-custody-gender-bias.php

If any of you reading this has anything to add, please mail me on the link below and I will gladly update for all to see.

One of the most difficult things to do...

One of the most difficult things to do is to remain focussed on what your objective is... in this case, wanting full custody of the children. Now, as part of the custody case, keep in mind the most common reaction is "yet another father wanting revenge" it has become apparent that whatever anger / resentment issues I have for her has to be distanced from the reason I want custody of the children.

So let’s look at a hypothetical scenario. Your "EX" has a history of affairs, both married and unmarried men; before and during your marriage. So, you being the human that you are, have obvious issues around these infidelities. Now, if you are using this as part of the reason for your custody case, you need to be certain that the reason revolves around your children and what is best for them and not your own anger / resentment around what has happened. You cannot say that she has affairs and it is not good for the children. You have to show how this pattern of behaviour can have a negative influence on the children. Every situation such as this brings along its own set of unique circumstances. What you have to do is look at the situation; distance yourself from your anger; and see how best this could be used in your case.

Back to my reality, I am finding it extremely difficult to interact with her without the anger and resentment cropping up. My anger issues are not related to the reasons for our marriage breaking down, but more about how she is using my children as tools to get at me. (If I am completely honest with myself, I guess there is still hurt around the breakdown of our marriage and yes it still hurts). I recall a day where she has said to me that if I drop the custody case, I will get to see my children more often.

Take a statement like that, traditionally, I would have become extremely angry; no, not violently angry :-); and we would have ended up in an argument that would have no resolution at the end of it.... Again, keeping the anger / resentment statement of earlier vs. is this about the children, how do I use this statement to my benefit I found myself asking...what is this really about?

The statement she made cannot really be used in the court case because it will just become her word against mine. So what does that leave me with? Well, for her to make a statement such as that to me means that she has her back up against the wall. She is using the children to get to me and as much as I love my kids and want to spend every free moment with them, I have to keep my eyes on the prize and try not to let this get to me. I have to look at things in terms of what is best for my case... what is it my children need? Again, this is not as easy as it sounds… we are human, we have emotions…

Our emotions and how we let it control us, as I have learnt, dictates how we respond to situations. If we are not in control of our emotions, things have a way of turning out bad. I am not saying that you should become void of your emotions, you do that and you are not classified as human any longer. Our emotions are one of many characteristics that define who we are. What I am saying is learn how to use your emotions… Learn how to control them. In order for you to do this, you will also need a good support structure in place.

Support can come in many forms. Some things you can do for yourselves (sport, hobby, etc), with others you will need help. My family have been a great source of support for me, however, looking at the situation from the outside, they have their own anger / resentment around what has happened. Often, what we need to stay on course is an objective point of view from someone void of the emotions attached to your situation.

That being said, I have 2 new wonderful ladies in my life; lets call them T & Z.

T is a Clinical Psychologist (had some of you going there hey) whom I have been seeing for close to a year now. During my sessions with her, I have learnt so much about me and what makes me tick. Often the perception is that you go to a shrink if there is something wrong or you on the verge of being instituted… HELL NO!!! The day this ordeal is over, I will continue to see my “shrink” because I have learnt so much about me and have grown so much as a person and I do feel that I have a lot more growing to do…

The other lady in my life, Z, is a Life Coach. She gave me the ability to channel my energies, positive or negative, into a positive outcome. Once again, so much growth experienced and so much learnt about me.

For the record, during these sessions, neither T nor Z tells me what to do. At the end of the day, I always had the answer but never always saw the answer. What my “ladies” offer me, is coaching… coaching me into seeing the answer for myself. From them, I can also get an unbiased perspective on my situation.

T & Z, should you guys be reading this, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. You always tell me that I do all the hard work, and today I do realise that yes, I did do the hard work, but your guidance and support is a tremendous help in getting and keeping me on track. THANK YOU

So, in closing, emotion channelled incorrectly can cloud our judgement and we do not always see the answer right there in front of us. At the beginning of the year, I seriously considered suicide and made a feeble attempt at it. At the time, for me, my whole world was caving in. Everything I worked towards and worked for was being ripped away from me. Issues around my parents divorce surfaced. The negative effect that had on both my brothers and I, my world was ending.

What I did not see is that killing me was not going to solve anything. Yes, I would not be around to feel the pain and the hurt… but the people I love would feel the pain and hurt. My mom, brothers and most importantly, my children. Should I have gone through with it, my children would be with their mother and be raised in an environment; that in my belief; is not conducive to rearing children. Should I have gone through with it, who would have fought for their best interest…

No matter how difficult things get, no matter how bleak the future may look, there is always an answer that will help you get out… don’t let the emotion cloud your judgement, don’t let the emotion hide the answer… you can take charge… you can turn things around.

So, for my first blog entry

For those smart people out there, you can probably guess that I am in the process of going through a divorce and wanting custody of my children.

Now the most common response over the last couple of months is "oh boy, yet another father wanting revenge!"

So for my first posting, let me set the record straight. (Until the divorce is complete, I will also be refraining from using my children, my soon to be ex wife and my real names for obvious reasons).

Another shocking revelation is that I was not the cause for the breakdown of my marriage. I was infact in love with this woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I would have done anything to make her happy. Unfortunately this did not work out as planned and our marriage broke down.

The reasons for me wanting custody although linked to her infidelities, goes way beyond them. Please, do not get me wrong. I am not for one moment saying that she does not love the children, infact I am sure she would kill for them if the need arises. What I am saying is that some of her life choices and actions are not conducive to rearing children. Again, for now I will be refraining from specifics because the one thing I have learnt, is that a court case such as this is much like playing poker... DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND TO EARLY.

Now, back to the reason for this blog...

This whole ordeal has proven to be an emotional roller coaster of note. What I am hoping to achieve with this blog is:

• Serve as a support mechanism to me. So I encourage readers / followers to share their experiences and advise.
• I am hoping for this blog to serve as a support forum to others as well going through this difficult time.

Please, I DO NOT want this blog to turn into a bitching session about our previously significant others, but rather a mechanism for us to share practices that helped those who were successful in getting full custody of their children.

I am not a lawyer, psychologist or life coach and am not for one moment claiming that advise / experiences found on this blog will get you custody; I'm not even certain that I will get custody. What I promising, is to share experiences and God willing, should I be successful in my endeavor, my experiences will be useful to others attempting that same challenge.

For now, I have to be off to bed, I have to be up early to my eldest cricket game. I will leave you with a quote by one Joseph Chilton Pearce:

For only as we ourselves, as adults, actually move and have our being in the state of love, can we be appropriate models and guides for our children. What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.