One of the most difficult things to do...

One of the most difficult things to do is to remain focussed on what your objective is... in this case, wanting full custody of the children. Now, as part of the custody case, keep in mind the most common reaction is "yet another father wanting revenge" it has become apparent that whatever anger / resentment issues I have for her has to be distanced from the reason I want custody of the children.

So let’s look at a hypothetical scenario. Your "EX" has a history of affairs, both married and unmarried men; before and during your marriage. So, you being the human that you are, have obvious issues around these infidelities. Now, if you are using this as part of the reason for your custody case, you need to be certain that the reason revolves around your children and what is best for them and not your own anger / resentment around what has happened. You cannot say that she has affairs and it is not good for the children. You have to show how this pattern of behaviour can have a negative influence on the children. Every situation such as this brings along its own set of unique circumstances. What you have to do is look at the situation; distance yourself from your anger; and see how best this could be used in your case.

Back to my reality, I am finding it extremely difficult to interact with her without the anger and resentment cropping up. My anger issues are not related to the reasons for our marriage breaking down, but more about how she is using my children as tools to get at me. (If I am completely honest with myself, I guess there is still hurt around the breakdown of our marriage and yes it still hurts). I recall a day where she has said to me that if I drop the custody case, I will get to see my children more often.

Take a statement like that, traditionally, I would have become extremely angry; no, not violently angry :-); and we would have ended up in an argument that would have no resolution at the end of it.... Again, keeping the anger / resentment statement of earlier vs. is this about the children, how do I use this statement to my benefit I found myself asking...what is this really about?

The statement she made cannot really be used in the court case because it will just become her word against mine. So what does that leave me with? Well, for her to make a statement such as that to me means that she has her back up against the wall. She is using the children to get to me and as much as I love my kids and want to spend every free moment with them, I have to keep my eyes on the prize and try not to let this get to me. I have to look at things in terms of what is best for my case... what is it my children need? Again, this is not as easy as it sounds… we are human, we have emotions…

Our emotions and how we let it control us, as I have learnt, dictates how we respond to situations. If we are not in control of our emotions, things have a way of turning out bad. I am not saying that you should become void of your emotions, you do that and you are not classified as human any longer. Our emotions are one of many characteristics that define who we are. What I am saying is learn how to use your emotions… Learn how to control them. In order for you to do this, you will also need a good support structure in place.

Support can come in many forms. Some things you can do for yourselves (sport, hobby, etc), with others you will need help. My family have been a great source of support for me, however, looking at the situation from the outside, they have their own anger / resentment around what has happened. Often, what we need to stay on course is an objective point of view from someone void of the emotions attached to your situation.

That being said, I have 2 new wonderful ladies in my life; lets call them T & Z.

T is a Clinical Psychologist (had some of you going there hey) whom I have been seeing for close to a year now. During my sessions with her, I have learnt so much about me and what makes me tick. Often the perception is that you go to a shrink if there is something wrong or you on the verge of being instituted… HELL NO!!! The day this ordeal is over, I will continue to see my “shrink” because I have learnt so much about me and have grown so much as a person and I do feel that I have a lot more growing to do…

The other lady in my life, Z, is a Life Coach. She gave me the ability to channel my energies, positive or negative, into a positive outcome. Once again, so much growth experienced and so much learnt about me.

For the record, during these sessions, neither T nor Z tells me what to do. At the end of the day, I always had the answer but never always saw the answer. What my “ladies” offer me, is coaching… coaching me into seeing the answer for myself. From them, I can also get an unbiased perspective on my situation.

T & Z, should you guys be reading this, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. You always tell me that I do all the hard work, and today I do realise that yes, I did do the hard work, but your guidance and support is a tremendous help in getting and keeping me on track. THANK YOU

So, in closing, emotion channelled incorrectly can cloud our judgement and we do not always see the answer right there in front of us. At the beginning of the year, I seriously considered suicide and made a feeble attempt at it. At the time, for me, my whole world was caving in. Everything I worked towards and worked for was being ripped away from me. Issues around my parents divorce surfaced. The negative effect that had on both my brothers and I, my world was ending.

What I did not see is that killing me was not going to solve anything. Yes, I would not be around to feel the pain and the hurt… but the people I love would feel the pain and hurt. My mom, brothers and most importantly, my children. Should I have gone through with it, my children would be with their mother and be raised in an environment; that in my belief; is not conducive to rearing children. Should I have gone through with it, who would have fought for their best interest…

No matter how difficult things get, no matter how bleak the future may look, there is always an answer that will help you get out… don’t let the emotion cloud your judgement, don’t let the emotion hide the answer… you can take charge… you can turn things around.